Suffering through sexual degradation impacts victims at their core. Their overwhelming sense of having been polluted is ever present, long after their ongoing contact with the offender stops. Escaping the grasp of a predator can be a horrific struggle. Even once achieved, an indelible suffering permeates one’s body and mind long into the future. Continue reading What’s the proper penalty for rape by fraud?
Tag Archives: #recovery
Carnal vs. Intimate Defilement- Why It Matters, Everywhere, Including Texas
People who scoff at or fail to recognize the grotesque exploitation of rape by fraud have a great deal to learn about defilement. Yesterday, I was told that a recent rape by fraud survivor had approached the Ft. Worth, TX, Women’s Rape Crisis Center, and was turned away.
The victim, Dina, who was searching for healing and validation, had been horribly defiled. Not only had the offender lied his head off about anything and everything, he actually produced a forged divorce decree to prove he was single. He repeatedly engaged Dina in sex for several months…I’m sure you know how this ended!
Dina has been to the police. She’s consulted with lawyers. She’s been Continue reading Carnal vs. Intimate Defilement- Why It Matters, Everywhere, Including Texas
Sex Crimes- Women Aren’t the Only Victims
Women have no monopoly when it comes to sexual assault. The US Justice Department tells us that approximately 20% of sexual assault victims are male.
Dr. Paul wrote to me about a year ago. He was searching for answers for his wife who’d been badly deceived by her ex husband. She suffered terrible trauma and he wanted to help her recover…. or so he thought at the time. But over that year, their relationship became less bearable as he learned that emotional pain can wound so deeply, it can change a person’s character and turn them into an ogre…… even women.
Continue reading Sex Crimes- Women Aren’t the Only Victims
Delaware- “Non-Consent,” but not “Consent,” Muddies Their Laws
In the state of Delaware, their penal code defines what “consent” is NOT- but fails to correctly define what consent actually IS, #FGKIA– Freely Given Knowledgeable and Informed Agreement.
By providing a laundry list of recognized bad behaviors that can be prosecuted, rather than simply holding everyone accountable for securing consent in ALL sexual conduct, Delaware’s laws give a free pass to sexual predators who prey on victims in ways that don’t appear on their list.
Continue reading Delaware- “Non-Consent,” but not “Consent,” Muddies Their Laws
Finding Closure After Exploitation- Lauren’s Story- Part 1
I’m often asked why having the ability to seek justice is so important for victims of sexual fraud. I’ve seen that the pursuit of justice, regardless of the outcome, can bring a sense of closure and empowerment that turns victims into survivors. Continue reading Finding Closure After Exploitation- Lauren’s Story- Part 1
Sexual Battery by Ruse in Virginia
A state with a brain!
Virginia’s Penal Code addresses rape by fraud in a clear manner. Using “ruse” to undermine a victim’s consent is considered Sexual Battery, a Class 1 misdemeanor.
Crimes like the one committed by Donald Ward in Indiana, should qualify as Sexual Battery by Ruse in Virginia. Ward crept into the bed of a sleeping co-ed at Purdue University and engaged her in sex. The victim was asleep in her boyfriend’s bed and believed Ward was him.
Virginia’s treatment of sexual assaults is sensible. Their penal code divides misconduct by forcible and aggravated cases and lessor crimes. Initial violent convictions result in felony charges, but repeat misdemeanor offenses will raise the level of the charge to a felony.
Most sexual battery offenses, whether violent or not, will result in mandatory registration on the sex offender list.
Additionally, Virginia will prosecute offenders who transmit Aids, HIV, Hepatitis B or Syphillis.
If you’ve been sexually assaulted through a ruse in Virginia, please notify me at StopRomanceScams@ymail.com.
Code of Virginia § 18.2-67.4 – Sexual battery
18.2-67.4. Sexual battery.
A. An accused is guilty of sexual battery if he sexually abuses, as definedin 18.2-67.10, (i) the complaining witness against the will of the complaining witness, by force, threat, intimidation, or ruse.
B. Sexual battery is a Class 1 misdemeanor.
Hear Us ROAR! #WomensMarch2018 #MeToo #TimesUp and #FGKIA!
Amid shouts of “Hey-hey, ho-ho, Donald Trump has gotta go!” and “Trump is not my President, You’re fired White House resident!” throngs of women, men and children wound our way through the streets of midtown Manhattan yesterday. The sea of hopeful faces marched forward in solidarity with hope for renewed political integrity and equality for all mankind.
While I try to refrain from comparing anyone’s pain to the harm experienced by others, recent political impacts have helped me recognize how struggling through injustice with no possible relief makes people feel invisible. Hearing hate speech and seeing sexual dysfunction from institutions we relied on as the source of decency, cuts deeply into our collective self esteem. It was uplifting to travel together, surrounded by those who embraced morality and humanity, even if only for four hours.
The sight of the Trump Hotel inspired my sense of irony as I invited my favorite New York State Assembly Member, Rebecca Seawright, to join me in holding up my poster: CONSENT = #FGKIA, Freely Given, Knowledgeable and Informed Agreement. I pray we can see these words indelibly inscribed into the penal code of NY and every state before we march again in 2019!
You can help by calling your legislators to demand that they make it happen! #FGKIA can be the solution for #MeToo, #TimesUp and the gross confusion over sexual assault and sexual harassment that enables sexual predators like Weinstein, Cosby, Moore and Trump to go unpunished. It can end the invisibility that sex crimes create in a world blinded by ignorance!
Call your legislator and say, #FGKIA – Sign it into law today!
New Light Shines on Cause of BPD!
At last, a study identifying the genetics of Borderline Personality Disorder!
Borderline Personality Disorder is now estimated to be more prevalent in society than Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia. It’s attributed to 2% of the population.
Society needs to understand the prevalence of this and other character disorders, and that the root cause is genetics. We can’t fix them, but there are treatments for BPD that will enable them to “fix” themselves.
Until the science of nuero-psychology began, such as back in Freud’s time, the only plausible explanation was the impact of the parent on the child. Today, we’re beginning to know better. And thank God! Parents who lovingly nurtured their horribly disturbed children were often fingered as the cause. They lived under a cloud of shame.
Children with Borderline Personality Disorder are extremely difficult to raise. They’re identified as “conduct disordered” while under 18. Mental Health professionals fail to address their issues in a meaningful way that helps the parent cope and addresses the growing manipulative character of the child. They incite, enrage, distort, bully and blame. It feels like the child you adore, who you’d lay down your life for, sees you as the enemy because you’re responsible for curbing their outrageous behavior and attempting to encourage them to become caring and concerned beings. There is no escape from the child who behaves like an enemy in your midst.
Hopefully, there will be more recognition of the anguish the parent experiences in raising a BPD child, and that someone will develop treatment protocols to mend the family.
New Spelling for “CONSENT” will stand RAPE MENTALITY on it’s ear!
CONSENT could be the most misunderstood word in the English language!
Millions of people are harmed by rape every year. And some offenders do not comprehend why or how their behavior constitutes RAPE.
Let’s get it right!
Continue reading New Spelling for “CONSENT” will stand RAPE MENTALITY on it’s ear!
Dust-Off! Steps 6 & 7- How to Heal From a Romance Scam
Tomorrow is Truth in Romance Day! And this is our final installment of the Dust-Off Plan for Recovery from a Romance Scam. This last crucial step should have you well on your way to reclaiming your self-esteem and dignity. We’ll end with the letters “F & F.”
Continue reading Dust-Off! Steps 6 & 7- How to Heal From a Romance Scam
DUST-OFF! Step 1- How do you heal from a romance scam?
From now ’til June 15th, Truth in Romance Day, I’ll identify each crucial step to help romance scam victims reclaim their self-esteem and dignity. Today, we’ll start with the letter “D”.
The entire Dust-Off Plan For Recovery from sexual assault by fraud is revealed in Carnal Abuse by Deceit, How a Predator’s Lies Became Rape.
Happy healing and happy Truth in Romance Day to all!
Here’s step one…….
Don’t Shame or Blame Yourself!
Predators excel at making victims feel responsible for their harmful behavior. Don’t! No one has the right to expect you to be perfect, not even you. No one has the right to harm you either emotionally or physically for your imperfections or for any other reason.
Be alert to gas-lighting which is a manipulative and common ploy of predators. They will deliberately upset you, then fault you for being upset. Their intent is to make you doubt yourself or to put your “upset” reaction under a microscope for others to observe, out of context. A predator can depress you to the extent that you begin to doubt your sanity, and cause others to do so as well.
Recognize that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time when you happened into their space. They’ve made you wiser to the concept that fundamentally cruel people actually exist. You will not be as naïve and easy to snare the next time you enter a predator’s lair.
Forgive yourself. You didn’t know they were lying when you fell in love with them. No one lies by accident. They deliberately set out to fool you. Do not let their immorality strip you of your self-worth.
Write a letter to yourself reminding you of all your lovable and virtuous characteristics.
- Store your letter where it’s easily accessible.
- Read that letter at least three times each day for one week.
- For the following month, before you dress each day and before you go to sleep each night, read it again.
- Hang onto the letter and go back to it whenever an encounter makes you doubt yourself.
The entire Dust-Off! plan for recovery is included in Carnal Abuse by Deceit. Click the title to purchase your copy.
Complex PTSD- psychological impact of sexual assault by fraud
Mental health professionals have recognized that PTSD may not only result from a one-time, immediate disturbance. According to the Journal of Taumatic Stress, Complex PTSD results from:
“the psychological impact of subordination to coercive control and has many common features, (with PTSD), whether it occurs within the public sphere of politics or within the private sphere of sexual and domestic relations.”
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is present in all forms of domestic abuse whether violent or non-violent, and can include manipulation through Continue reading Complex PTSD- psychological impact of sexual assault by fraud
The Tsunami of Invalidation- Recovering Trust
Victims of sexual assault by fraud often think all is lost and they’ll never be able to trust again. Not only were they harmed by a scammer, but the emotional supports they counted on caused them further pain.
Tsunami’s are most often created by sudden movements on the ocean’s floor such as earthquakes or mudslides. They’re the backlash of displacement. This natural event mirrors the seismic wave Continue reading The Tsunami of Invalidation- Recovering Trust
Self Blame and Shame- the hallmarks of rape
All types of rape create self blame and shame for victims. This statement from the Rape Treatment Center at the Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center– sums up the feelings that rape victims express:
Continue reading Self Blame and Shame- the hallmarks of rape
A Great Read on Oxytocin- Love Addiction
Rachel Sanoff deserves a medal for her article on Bustle! Must reading for everyone who ever wondered why they were stuck Continue reading A Great Read on Oxytocin- Love Addiction
Finding Romance- What Needs to Change?
Often people who were victimized by an emotional predator wonder how or why they’ll ever love again. “It’s just too dangerous,” and “I won’t survive another emotion bashing episode,” are common statements. Victims often isolate themselves from romantic interaction. For them, “being alone is better than being harmed.”
If this is your mindset, you’ve come to the right place. But prepare to hear some things about yourself, as well as some changes you need to make.
- YOU did nothing wrong. You were targeted by a predator because you have the capacity to forgive and love. The problem is that the person you choose was an exploiter, not a lover. And they selected you because they grasped that they could manipulate you through your devotion to them.
- Some people are incapable of bonding and loving. You need to avoid them. In order to do so, you will have to ditch your attraction to the superficial appeal we know as “charm,” and look more deeply into a person’s character. And you need to note whether their character repeats in all the corners of their life.
Just as people without emotional empathy will never develop it, people with emotional empathy will never lose it. It’s part of their wiring. Sometimes we confuse being “sensitive” with having “emotional empathy,” which is the key to conscience and morality. But they are not the same.
Anyone can be sensitive about their own condition. They can express heartfelt need for what they want. They can dupe you into feeling sorry for them over their past. But that’s still not “emotional empathy.” A person with “emotional empathy” will automatically have a knee-jerk reaction to the pain someone else experiences. They will put themselves in the other person’s shoes and be guided by their conscience.
Instant attraction only means that the object of your affection stirs your brain chemistry. It does not mean that they are a caring, wonderful human being. Being swept off your feet can readily lead to emotional trauma rather than the lasting, durable relationship you want. So here are a few “don’ts” about finding someone to love:
Don’t take anything you read on internet dating sites as gospel.
Everyone there is expressing the image they’d like to portray. But without verification, there could be countless lies behind their profile. Check IDs and Google anyone you meet online, no matter how badly they protest.
Don’t have sex with anyone until you’ve been introduced to their family and friends.
What’s the rush…. really? A meaningful relationship takes time and commitment. Afraid you’ll lose them if you don’t have sex with them? Guess what. That’s a person worth losing!
If you don’t live in the same town with their family, you can establish a connection through Skype or other resources. How does your love interest communicate with family? However it is, it should include you if they’re committed to making you a permanent part of their life. If they don’t communicate regularly with their family, it’s a very large, vigorously waving, red-flag.
Don’t believe that a man over 45 or a woman over 35 has NO children.
Unless they have a physical condition that prevents procreation, the statistical likelihood that they have no children is a rarity. If they have yet to introduce you to their children, they could be hiding a seriously checkered past.
Don’t look for “love” on dating sites that depict people as “wealthy” or “millionaires.”
Most people with assets want protection from “Gold-Diggers” and will not flaunt this aspect of their identity. Why would anyone try to attract a person who prioritizes their interest in finding “wealth?” Emotional predators lurk on these sites because the participants are tipping them off about what floats their boats. It gives them ammunition to produce an elaborate scam to snag you.
Don’t believe what people tell you about their “ex.”
You’re receiving that information through a very biased prism, one that is sure to make them look like the victim, not the offender. Even if they admit to infidelity, what does that tell you? It should alert you that they can justify betrayal, and YOU will be the recipient this time around.
So what’s a safer way to find true love?
First off, you need to feel that you’re okay without a relationship. You can stand on your own two feet and live a fulfilling, meaningful life. You can find joy in the activities and relationships you treasure. Allowing a person inside your inner circle is an intimacy you bestow on them.
Mankind was built to “couple.” We feel our best when we can express love and support for another human being. So inevitably, our interest in finding a significant other will resurface. Some “do’s” about engaging in romance once again are ..…
“Do” things that make your life worthwhile.
Enjoying your interests will bring you into the path of others who appreciate the same things. Whether it’s religion, art, cooking, the environment, sports, dancing, boating, etc., participate in groups that put you in the company of people who share your preferences.
Do look carefully at how they interact with others, not just you.
Do they “objectify” the people around them, the waiter, the valet, the clerk at the store? Or do they treat everyone with respect and appreciation?
Do they have a history of good-intentions?
It’s easy for wealthy people to give money to causes. It provides them with tax benefits. But do they give their time and pass along help and support when it’s needed? Have they been preoccupied with making money all their lives, or have they stopped along the way to make the world a better place?
Do evaluate what is truly important to you.
Sometimes, in looking at what attracted you to a predator, you’ll see you may have placed importance on superficial value. If you continue to put your interests in the wrong place, you’ll find the wrong person once again. You’ll need to readjust your priorities.
Albert Einstein coined two very relevant phrases that apply to finding new love after a predatory relationship:
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new
So, forgive yourself for the choice you made. Recognize that you need to be far more circumspect in your future decisions… not because you were ‘wrong” but because character disordered people share our planet. Your mother never told you because she didn’t know. Mine put up with my abusive father for many decades. So, like me, you learned the hard way. Go forward, not backward with that knowledge.
While I’m quoting Einstein, there’s one more of his phrases that guides me in my efforts to enlighten people about rape by fraud and recover from it:
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.
I hope you’ll help me spread the word!