Tag Archives: #DomesticAbuse

OK! Enuff with the Victim Blaming! How to spot a Betrayal Bond

#BetrayalBond is an #addiction

How a Betrayal Bond Works- And boy, do I wish it didn’t!

Emotionally intact people don’t just walk-out on love partners when they’re hurt by them. To onlookers, that behavior can seem very odd. A victim’s choice to remain in a toxic, harmful relationship can result from the chemistry of human bonding.  Continue reading OK! Enuff with the Victim Blaming! How to spot a Betrayal Bond

Sex Crimes- Women Aren’t the Only Victims

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Women have no monopoly when it comes to sexual assault. The US Justice Department tells us that approximately 20% of sexual assault victims are male. 

Dr. Paul wrote to me about a year ago. He was searching for answers for his wife who’d been badly deceived by her ex husband. She suffered terrible trauma and he wanted to help her recover…. or so he thought at the time. But over that year, their relationship became less bearable as he learned that emotional pain can wound so deeply, it can change a person’s character and turn them into an ogre…… even women. 
Continue reading Sex Crimes- Women Aren’t the Only Victims

What Important Book is NY’s Governor Cuomo Reading?

#GovernorCuomo and #JoyceShort

January 30th. What a day!

Zipping through the Taconic Parkway’s twists and turns, on a crisp, sunny, winter morning, was just the exhilarating start! The best was yet to come!

I was headed to Albany for double duty- to meet Assembly Member, Rebecca Seawright‘s new Legislative Director, Cheryl Couser, in order to Continue reading What Important Book is NY’s Governor Cuomo Reading?

Remember That Time You……. Lied to get laid!

#Remeberthattimeyou

 

 

 

 

Mogul, a wonderful internet community that promotes women’s issues around the globe came up with a fabulous concept to raise awareness for Domestic Violence Awareness Month;     #RememberThatTimeYou……….. Continue reading Remember That Time You……. Lied to get laid!

Are you a NY Senior who’s been Catfished?

#selfhelp for relationships with a sociopath

Tomorrow is an important day for CATFISH PROFILE SURVIVORS in NY!

The NY State Assembly Standing Committee on Consumer Affairs and Protection, along with the Assembly Standing Committee on Aging and the Subcommittee on Consumer Fraud Protection, are holding a public hearing on scams against seniors.

You don’t have to guess twice about what I’ll be addressing!  Continue reading Are you a NY Senior who’s been Catfished?

The Voice of Supporters- Stop Sex By Fraud!

supporters

Nay-Sayers are not the only voices!

We’ve heard all the nay-saying silliness that folks who oppose “Sexual Assault by Fraud” laws come up with. And we’ve seen the ridiculous scenarios that the media creates in order to sensationalize, by stoking the fire of opposition….. Continue reading The Voice of Supporters- Stop Sex By Fraud!

I would swim across the ocean to be with you!

swim

How many love-bombed victims of toxic romance have heard this type of endearing commitment from a sociopathic lover?

“You’re so beautiful,” and “I’ll love you forever,” are more of the same. When it comes out of the mouth of a man pledging undying love while his wife of sixteen years waits for him in a far away place, Continue reading I would swim across the ocean to be with you!

Coping Tools for SexFraud Survivors

thums up

SexFraud survivors have a tough time securing validation.

Often, the emotional support needed for recovery is difficult to come by. Family and friends may not grasp the horrific sense of defilement they feel. Continue reading Coping Tools for SexFraud Survivors

Sexual Assault by Fraud Devastates the Victim

Photo by Karuka
Photo by Karuka

No matter how sexual assault takes place, the victim will suffer a permanent loss. 

Being sexually violated, in any form, will have a profound impact on your sense of self. Whether you were violently assaulted, or whether you were violated through the insidious, manipulative breach of your self determination by lies, you will need to grieve your loss in order to recover.

We can never go back in time to reclaim our un-raped self, but we can advance through the stages of grief and loss to achieve emotional stability once again.

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network provides an informative post that explains the stages of recovery from sexual assault. It’s important for victims of sexual assault by fraud to understand that the same characteristics of recovery apply to them as well.

  • Victims can go through denial and attempt to repress their sense of loss.
  • They could endlessly ruminate, becoming obsessed with the harm they suffered.
  • They could try to ameliorate the problem by moving away or changing jobs.
  • They could have interrupted sleep patterns, weight gain or loss, and deep depression.

Seek help! 

Not all family and friends of rape by fraud sufferers understand the devastation in this crime. Hopefully, society has begun to speak about and recognize it. But even your normal support system may not be enough to pick you up from deep depression and help you stop ruminating.

When you find your life impaired by helplessness, anger, anxiety, rumination, trust issues, or other related affects, seek the aid of a professional who has experience with sociopathic behavior and recovery for sexual assault victims

 

Rumination- the broken record of our emotions

Broken Record

I remember all too clearly what it felt like to hear a vinyl record skip on my old stereo. I’d play it loud so I could listen to music throughout the house. If I were in another room, repetition over the distance increased my discomfort. I’d dash back and dive at the needle to stop the offending sound.

Prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are tortured with repeated loud music. It’s intended to derail their thought processes and break them emotionally.

So why do victims of relationship abuse do the emotional equivalent of compulsively replaying bad music in their brain? The simply answer is grief.

Regurgitating, negative, non-productive thought

Rumination will plague us during the “bargaining” stage of grief recovery. And everyone who loses a relationship needs to grieve that loss as surely as one needs to mourn the death of a loved one.

In bargaining, we tend to ask ourselves what we could or should have done to produce a different outcome. In reality, when we’ve been embroiled in a relationship hoax, nothing, other than not getting involved in the first place could have kept the bond from collapsing. Engaging with a liar builds a house of cards. Discovering that nothing you valued was real, is a devastating loss.

Typically, women ruminate over sadness, while men are more inclined to do so when angry. But both can get stuck in a wallowing cycle that puts off supporters and isolates us in our pain. Family members and friends often don’t relate to the impact of our emotional loss, as they would if someone close to us died. But the grief and mourning we experience is very similar.

depression-small

Why relieve yourself of rumination?

It robs you of problem solving and creates a vicious cycle of depression. While you perseverate to make sense of things, you dwell on the unsolvable issues….. how you got there, what you could have done differently. Instead, you need to focus on how you will reclaim your life.

We are more likely to ruminate over unfinished business….. the circumstances that occur in our lives without closure. We want validation. We need to accept that it will not come in a relationship with a predator, and move on.  Our memory rehearsals keep us connected to the source of our pain, when we truly need to let go.

How to get past rumination

In The Truth About Grief, Ruth Davis Konigsburg tells us, “Loss is forever, but acute grief is not.” If someone close to you died, you’d be encouraged to get exercise. Your friends would try to distract you by engaging you in activities you enjoy. You need to be your best friend and provide yourself with that same encouragement.

Here are some recommendations that can help you get past rumination:

  1. Don’t be bullied to change the way you feel. Allow yourself to feel your loss, the anger the disappointment. Everyone grieves at different speeds. There is no right or wrong way.
  2. Get exercise. You need to pump up your endorphins so you have a deeper emotional well to draw from.
  3. Distract yourself with activities that get you away from your constant memories. Begin to make new, positive memories for yourself.
  4. Box it up. Write your story so you can put it on the shelf. Doing so will enable you to let go of the need to hang onto it in your mind.
  5. Volunteer for an effort that makes you feel good about yourself. There is nothing more gratifying than to help someone in need. Doing so will give you a strong sense of self-reliance and can aid you in seeing that no one goes through life without a struggle, including you. It will enable you to create better perspective about your painful condition.
  6. Join a grief support group or engage in counseling. Mourning a loss is difficult. Seeking help can get you past the thoughts that keep you stuck.

The loss of a loved one throws us for a loop, whether the person deserved our caring or not. People who experience sexual misconduct and relationship abuse, resulting from being embroiled in a hoax, are no less in need of grieving than anyone else. Rumination can be a debilitating part of that process but you can heal and bring joy back into your life.