Tag Archives: #dating

What Important Book is NY’s Governor Cuomo Reading?

#GovernorCuomo and #JoyceShort

January 30th. What a day!

Zipping through the Taconic Parkway’s twists and turns, on a crisp, sunny, winter morning, was just the exhilarating start! The best was yet to come!

I was headed to Albany for double duty- to meet Assembly Member, Rebecca Seawright‘s new Legislative Director, Cheryl Couser, in order to Continue reading What Important Book is NY’s Governor Cuomo Reading?

E-Dating Alternatives, A to Z!

volleyball

Why do we need them?

E-Dating has launched a serious crime wave! No matter what dating service you use, the likelihood that you’ll be scammed is great! The owner of Elite Dating estimates that approximately 53% of the dating profiles on his site contain lies.

Sure, there are the lucky few who actually find a match. But how many find pain and heartache instead? Is it really worth the risk………..especially when alternatives can produce great results? Continue reading E-Dating Alternatives, A to Z!

Legislators of NY State Introduced to Catfishing!

#Catfish #Scams are #epidemic on the #internet #StevenHumanick #RiccardoFerrari

Catfish (Catphish) Profiles, false personation in e-dating, Facebook, and other internet descriptions, to embroil victims in romance scams, is now part of the permanent record of NY State’s Assembly. On October 21st, I provided testimony to create awareness and, hopefully, plant seeds that will bring about change. Continue reading Legislators of NY State Introduced to Catfishing!

Do two wrongs make a right? Hacking Ashley Madison

Hacking of Ashley Madison
Noel Biderman, creator of Ashley Madison

I can vividly recall the lessons my mother taught me about character. When I was just a little girl, she drove home the concept that no one had the right to harm another, no matter what.

Nope, she didn’t want me to be a pushover for wrongdoers. In her eyes, everyone had the right to defend themselves from harm and Continue reading Do two wrongs make a right? Hacking Ashley Madison

CAD Tales- Who’s conning who?

Some people can look you straight in the eye and lie to you.
Some people can look you straight in the eye and lie to you.

How can anyone expect to know the truth when the lies are so ordinary?

A fifty five year old widower meets an attractive New Jersey woman on OKCupid. His wife of thirty years died of an illness and after five years of grieving, and occasional dates, he’s ready to get on with his life. She was his greatest love. They were unable to have children.

He’s a college grad with a steady job, nothing flamboyant or unusual. A family man, his aging mother lives with him in the home he owns.

He notices a single woman with long dark hair and a pretty smile on the e-dating site. She’s financially self-sufficient, also a home owner, with several entrepreneurial interests and teaches music lessons. She’s had relationships with men, and a marriage that ended in divorce.

So who’s defrauding who? Both stories are perfectly plausible, but only one is telling the truth….

The man is a life-long bachelor who strings multiple women along at a time. He’s never been married and lives in his mother’s home. And oh, that college degree, it never happened.

They dated, “monogamously” for several months. When he took a week off from his job without any explanation, our heroine caught onto his penchant for simultaneously juggling multiple “relationships.”

Should she have known? 

We’re often told that victims “should know”… Something should seem “off,” or that their personal vulnerabilities made them targets.

Often therapists provide months and months of therapy to unravel the mystery of why someone “chose” to become a victim, as if they fooled themselves instead of getting punked by a despicable liar who targeted and caught them in a web of deceit.

And is it a crime?

The woman had no expectations other than finding a loving person with whom she could share time and experiences. And from wanting to be loved, she became defiled.

The more mundane the lies, the more sinister the erosion of trust for the victim, because they can’t point to anything that could have signaled reality. The violation they feel can have a long reaching affect on the rest of their lives.

While the offender skips along to some new unsuspecting victim, the current one is left with heartache, a pervasive sense of deep-rooted defilement, and life-long trust issues.

Where is justice for these victims?

Hopefully, it lies in New Jersey’s legislation #3908. If you have yet to sign the change.org petition to support this law, please do so today!

Mischele Lewis, who suffered sexual assault by fraud at the hands of William Allen Jordan, (the story that caught the interest of Assemblyman Troy Singleton, and began his journey to introduce legislation,) is far from New Jersey’s only victim of this insidious crime. This law is for all victims. If you’ve suffered SexFraud in NJ, or anywhere for that matter, please let me know. We need examples of this crime for legislative hearings in the Assembly and the Senate.

Facebook Response

Thought you might like to see how some folks respond to this defiling crime. This comment was posted on my Facebook page:

Nick Masi
April 3 at 2:47pm
I don’t get the story. I was waiting for something more sinister and climactic, like emptying out her bank account or something along those lines. Dating a lying loser is unfortunate but you cannot lock up people for things like that. Life doesn’t come with a warning label.

I found it ironic that Mr. Masi could relate to the theft of the victim’ money, as if that were a major breach, but not the defilement of her sexual sanctity. I responded that some people think sex is nothing more than warm flesh and body fluids. They don’t grasp that a person’s sexual organs are a gateway to their soul. He’s far from alone in his beliefs.

 

 

Who would be arrested for #SexFraud?

Convicted in Burlington County- William Allen Jordan
Convicted for Theft by Fraud in Burlington County- William Allen Jordan

The media has stirred up a lot of frenzy over Assembly Bill #3908 in NJ, Sexual Assault by Fraud. But the silly scenarios they use to describe the crime, won’t really lead to an arrest for a couple of reasons:

  1. Personal Responsibility: In New Jersey, personal responsibility means that victims have to take the measures of a “reasonable person” to protect themselves. So if you meet someone and they tell you they drive a Lamborghini, when the only wheels they own are on their bicycle, and you hop in the sack with them without conducting any due diligence or getting to know them well, you haven’t exhibited the level of responsible behavior that would enable you to file charges.
  2. Proof: Criminal trials aren’t decided by “truth.” Rather, they’re determined by “proof.” So if you don’t have documented proof or witnesses that can attest to your claim, you will not be able to convince the police, Prosecutor, Grand Jury, trial judge, and a jury of your peers that a crime actually took place.

Here are some examples of recent media hype:

Newark Star Ledger, 11/24/14

A man woos a woman to bed with tales of his riches, fast cars and a vacation home in Monaco. But he actually lives in his mother’s basement.

Here’s the conflict:

  • Did she hop into bed with him when they first met without really getting to know him?
  • Where’s the proof that he actually made those claims?

Newark Star Ledger, 11/24/14

A seemingly wealthy widow convinces a younger man to sleep with her on the notion that they may marry and he’ll inherit her money. In reality, she’s broke.

Here’s the conflict:

  • Did he hop into bed with her without any research or attempt to get to know her?
  • Where’s the proof that she actually made those claims?

RawStory, 11/24/14

“What if a man were to say to a woman ‘I love you’ and engage in sex and he really didn’t love her? It could be as simple as that,”

Here’s the conflict:

Lies of intent are particularly difficult to prove. The accused’s defense could simply be, “I changed my mind.” Unless there was significant proof that the offender had no interest in following through at the time the statement was made, no claim could be brought against them.

Hi Arka, March 16, 2015

Can you have someone jailed after sex for:

1) Not being as attractive as you thought they were?

2) Not making as much money as you thought they were?

3) Not being as young/old/intelligent/interesting as you thought they were?

4) Not really being old high school classmates with [insert name of famous actor or actress here]?

5) Not really being a men’s rights advocate?

6) Not really being a feminist?

7) Not really being a good cook?

8) Not really being a skillful lover?

For all of the reasons previously stated the answers are no, no, no, no, no, no, no and no. Plus… attractiveness is a visual perception, not a fraud, Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. And a person’s skillfulness in sex, or lack thereof, is not a hoax or a fraud. It is what it is.

So who would actually get arrested?

Scam artists like William Allen Jordan who defraud people are likely to be charged. He was convicted in New Jersey of theft by fraud and would probably have been convicted of Sexual Assault by Fraud had the law existed at the time. It is alleged that he proposed marriage, engagement ring and all, under a false name and with totally bogus background information, some of which he forged.

An airline employee has infected several women with an STD by tricking them into unprotected sex. He provides them with forged documents about his health.

A New Jersey man is a bigamist, and likely, with multiple wives. He’s active on internet dating sites, and claiming that he’s single, a Marine Reservist and a Psychologist with the FBI. Not a single word of it is true.

A con artist and swindler works in Florida, Idaho and California using internet dating sites to locate targets. He misrepresents his age, his marital status and his health to prey on women for sex and money. He backs up his identity claims with an elaborate web presence that’s full of hot air.

What warrants prosecution?

Cases in which the authorities find that despite the victim’s best efforts to behave responsibly, they were duped, would be prosecutorial. But only if they were accompanied by sufficient proof. One night stands with someone who lied would not be strong enough to warrant an arrest.

People shouldn’t lie to induce sex. If they were untruthful regarding their identity information or intentions when you met them, the time to straighten it out is BEFORE you engage in intimacy. When they fail to do so, they are sexually assaulting you, not seducing you. But you would not be able to bring charges against them without responsible behavior on your part, and significant proof.

Counterfeit Daters and Sexual Assault by Fraud

counterfeitA

A gentleman named Mal asked me a question this morning that I believe is important for all my followers to see….

I am pretty sure that a large proportion of dating site profiles have at least one lie in them somewhere. Women often lie about their age for example. If you claim to be 38, when you are in fact 42 and then have sex, would that be considered rape?

And here’s my answer:

When you lie about your identity characteristics, you are altering a person’s impression of who you are. If you don’t straighten out this misconception BEFORE you engage in sex, you have duped them into the act. Why would someone be entitled to having sex with another person under false pretenses? You are defrauding them, not seducing them. You are not the person they think you are.

I often say that lying is not a crime, but defrauding someone is. So here’s a perfect example of when a lie becomes a crime.

You shape a person’s concept of “you” with what you say to them. And if you shape yourself to be someone through false personation, you are using identity characteristics that are not “yours” in order to sexually penetrate them.

Make it difficult to fool you!

ID cards

Because of the significant amount of lies that internet dating sites are known for, I suggest checking an internet date’s ID prior to advancing the relationship.

Obviously, if you meet them and experience no attraction, there’s no need. But if you feel inclined to see them again, exchanging ID would be a good idea. If they resist, it’s a pretty good sign that you should walk away.

When someone asks for an ID check, it’s the right time to confess the lies you wrote into your profile. And if everyone who participated in internet dating, made this a regular practice, you would see the lies diminish. What would be the sense if you would be found out before the relationship got anywhere, and your having lied would paint you as untrustworthy.

An ID check will not give you all the details you’ll want about this person. But, unless they hand you a forgery, which, unfortunately is possible, you’ll at least have their real name, age and address. People who are married are loath to give you their address, so the likelihood of their pretending to be single is reduced.

And…. retain the dating profile of anyone who you go out with!

Should “Counterfeit Daters” be punished?

If a person creates a counterfeit one dollar bill, are they committing a crime? If they use it, they certainly are. And if they pass off a large quantity of them, or tender a forgery of a larger denomination, the penalty for their crime increases.  The principle behind the crime, they use a counterfeit to get what they’re after, is the same regardless of the size of the bill. And lying to defraud someone of sex is a crime, regardless of the size of the lie. In fact, the simple lie…… the age, the marital status, that spills off the tongue, in many ways is even more insidious because of its complete reliability.

Please note, however, that no crime can ever be prosecuted without significant proof, so a “he said, she-said,” told to you at a club or a party, will not garner an arrest when you jump into the sack with the offender. 

Take an internet relationship slowly. Be sure to get to know the person well. Meet their family and their friends. Be wary of dates who claim to travel for business. It could easily cover up that their spouse is at home, looking after their children, while they travel from date to date.

 

 

Susi’s CAD TALE

International Traveler

Editor’s note….. Here’s a new and interesting twist on a sexual hoax. This international scam artist entices women into marriage commitments so he can enjoy the luxury of their family’s homes when he globe hops to be with his “fiance.” 

This story was supplied by an Asian woman we’ll call “Susi” about the man she aptly calls, “Demon.”

The “International Traveler” Sex Scam

I am a woman who has been physically, financially and emotionally abused by a serial fraudster.

I met a Canadian man, Demon, via an online matching service. He was a Pharmacy Manager at a retail giant. We started communicating by online chatting, phone calls and emails. On his personal profile, he clearly stated he was single with no children, and looking for a wife. He asked me if I was marriage minded. He also had brief conversations with my mother over the phone on several occasions. We first met face-to-face in France.

The perfect gentleman

Perfect GentlemanWhenever we crossed the street or entered doorways, he would lightly touch my back, in a “ladies first” gesture. I thought he was being a gentleman. But as we were sight-seeing, he used that gesture to push me down the stairs of the train car we had just ridden, and I stumbled onto the platform. I was badly injured and still suffer orthopedic pain from this incident.

We had talked about our room arrangement before our trip, I had insisted on separate rooms. I booked and paid for my own accommodations for the evening of my arrival and the next night. He had not booked a room for himself and there was just one room left in the hotel. It was the busiest season in Paris because of the holiday and exhibitions; therefore, finding accommodations was quite competitive, The last room was taken while he hesitated.

His motive to injure me

I believe that Demon injured me in order to make me feel dependent on him. He emphasized that he was a medical professional and was capable of taking care of me. I was in a great deal of pain from the fall.

After the trip, he frequently talked about marriage, a wedding, and honeymoon. Demon wanted to come to see my parents and preferred staying at our place to a hotel so he could get to know us better.

The truth comes out

Shortly before his visit, I learned that the residential address he had given me actually belonged to a former employee (also a pharmacist) at his same company. When I noticed that he had lied, I spoke to him about it and ended the relationship.

I also learned that he misused his workplace phone for carrying-on a fraudulent relationship with me and with other woman who he met online. I discovered that he was a married pervert, with three children, who had exploited me and my family.

He establishes himself as a fiance to target a woman’s parents and use their home for lodging as he travels the world.

In pursuit of justice

My damages from the accident are serious. I still suffer from severe pain and have also endured depression both due to the injury and the deception he perpetrated. I wasted lots of money on a trip that was totally based on false pretenses. In addition, I have spent, and will have to spend, huge sums for my medical needs which include braces, rehabilitation and surgeries.

I filed a lawsuit in my country, against this con artist. A series of pleadings were held, however Demon failed to submit an answer to the claim or appear in court.  A  default judgment was issued, and he did not appeal. Accordingly, the judgment was confirmed.

I had sent letters (authenticated by a Notary) and my lawyer also sent a demand letter. Demon was informed about the possibility of enforcement of judgments from outside of Canada. He was given ample time to prepare for and enter his plea. He did not.

I am awaiting the result of the further action I must take to secure payment for the judgement. The policies of the Canadian government toward processing such claims places a financial burden on the victim that impedes justice.

Deb’s CAD Tale

Tom CAD TaleA woman named Deb contacted me about what had happened to her and asked me to post it. It’s a tale that’s typical of the outrageous behavior of internet romantic scam artists with an enlightening “take-away”.

 

A little background….

Tom seemed to be a great match for Deb. He found her in an on-line dating site. He was a good communicator and they spent hours on the phone, almost daily, throughout their eight month relationship. She felt the “chemistry” of a new found connection right away when they first met.

He claimed that his job caused him to travel on assignments. Shortly after they met, he was called away. Little did she recognize, at the time, that married men frequently disguise their existing relationships by claiming the need to travel for business.

More false claims

Tom pretended that he was a Marine Reservist and a Forensic Psychologist. He’d been turned down by the Marines and never went to college. He stated his age as 41 when he was actually 52. He is alleged to be a bigamist. The case has been filed against him in New Jersey and is currently pending.

Debunking the myth

We often hear people accuse SexFraud victims of ignorance and gullibility. But one would hardly use those terms to describe Deb. In fact, she’s trained to recognize, sort out, and deal with issues that surface in dating. She’s a dating coach. She believes that the elevated level of conquest piqued Tom’s interest and made her a “high value” target.

You can read more about Deb’s case on her blog. She has located a number of additional victims who Tom has hoaxed and they serve as a support group for each other.

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t pour your heart out to an internet date!

Vulnerability

Vulnerability Is Not a Crime- Rape Is!

Emotional predators often strike when people are most vulnerable. They troll e-dating sites for the perfect target… someone who’s geographically desirable and recently divorced, recently widowed, or recently went through a break up…. the more painful the better!

Their concept of geographically desirable may not be what you think. For some, it’ll be the conquest that lives around the corner. For others, distance enables them to bob and weave to avoid expectations of consistency. While they’re not with you, they’re luring the other fish they’ve hooked on their line.

Don’t signal them that you’re vulnerable!

Sir GalahadMany rape by fraud scenarios begin as Sir Gallahad on a white stead swooping in to rescue the fair damsel. Having been through misfortune can easily make you a victim and blind you to the reality behind their charm.

They’ll ask loads of questions, and you’ll think, “Wow, this person really wants to get to know me.” And in a twisted way, you’re right.

They’ll sympathize with everything you say when you pour out your heart about your past love. That dirty dog who left you flat will be the scourge of humanity to them. After all, they’d never behave like “that” to someone they love. Problem is, when you’re dealing with an emotional predator, they’re not capable of love. They’re simply angling to win your trust.

If you provide enough information, they’ll determine what makes you tick, and then it’s easy to conjure up a hoax to reel you in. Saying the right things and becoming that person they know you’ll relate to is seductive. But defrauding a person for sex is not seduction, it’s a sexual assault.

Mischele Lewis, the victim in the recent NJ case that went to trial against William Allen Jordan, had just parted ways with her ex-husband when they met.

Successive breakups drove Lauren Lazarro of Florida into the waiting arms of a former officer on NATO vessels, raised by nuns, with a dreamy Italian accent. He lied about his age, a character distortion typical in sexual assault by fraud. While his sophisticated web presence made him appear to be an astute businessman, his sudden “illnesses” provided the means to gouge her of money.

Recent heartbreak is not the only key to vulnerability, however. A single Mom we’ll call Suki hadn’t been seeing anyone special for a couple of years before she was love-bombed by a Scottish musician. He claimed to be single and committed to creating a loving, monogamous relationship with her. Little did she know he was married and involved with a veritable smorgasbord of women, both locally and around the world.

Treachery in internet dating

fish hooksFour women recently outed the Marine Reservist, Psychologist, FBI Agent who charmed them all, while married to one of them as well as another woman. He kept them all dangling on a long-distance string. His favorite fishing hole, the internet.

The solution….

Finding someone you want to be with should not entail bearing your soul over past relationships. You need to be careful of the loaded question, “So how come an attractive person like you is single?” It’s meant to gauge the depths of your vulnerability.

There is nothing wrong with saying, “I prefer to discuss my romantic past with someone once I know them better.”  Don’t give in to the bait, “Well, how will you know them if you don’t share your past?”

Finding someone who cares about YOU is not about prior romance. It’s about who you are. Do you have similar interests, and similar values? Do you enjoy the same music, art, food. wine, movies? Are you both into traveling, sports, and culture? What’s your compatibility factor? So share your interests, but not your romantic history, with someone you just met.

By all means, don’t lie. You’re married, divorced or single. But don’t go into the gory details of what got you this way. And make sure to check ID for anyone you meet through internet dating!

Wanting to be loved is a normal trait

Unfortunately, we will often give great leeway to people who charm us by showing they care about our previous pain. We see them as empathetic, caring individuals and we respond with trust. A person who is guileless, expects the world to lack guile as well. But it is important in the age of dating perfect strangers that we ramp up protections to keep us safe.

fox and henAnd if you don’t succeed, it’s just as important to recognize that being vulnerable and allowing an emotional predator into your life, is not a crime. But defrauding someone of sex is, whether your state prosecutes it or not.

 

 

Little white lies

liar

Common Sense Can’t Stop Rape By Fraud

Who would suspect a man who tells you he’s educated is a high school drop out? Why would you possibly think he’s lying if he says he has no kids or is single, while his wife of 17 years is at home caring for his 3 children. What would trigger your fears when the supporting Facebook page for his business is nothing more than a scam that hides his three stretches in Attica. And when he shows you medical documents that indicate he’s healthy, why would you suspect they’re forged and he’s deliberately passing along HIV?

Yes, there are cases that sound outlandish to the viewing public…….a man tells you he’s an operative for the British Defense Ministry, a sort of, James Bond.

Who would believe such outrageous nonsense?

When you hear the “James Bond” victim’s story, her ability to plot-out his arrest, you wonder who conned whom. On national TV, she boasted about using a pocketbook spy cam to create a “sting” operation and how she lured him into the hands of the waiting police, creating fodder for her book deal. But the schemes that hoax most victims are far more compelling, insidious and heartbreaking.

A victim is a victim

Don’t get me wrong, people who get “punked” in outlandish scams deserve the same protections against sexual assault by fraud as everyone else, even though the more “out there” the tale, the more difficult it is for society to relate. But it’s the frauds that are so entirely plausible, the “honest-sounding lies,” that are even more sinister and insidious. They leave the victim feeling totally unable to protect themselves and create deeply rooted Post Traumatic Stress.

People who believe outrageous lies end up blaming themselves but recognizing that their trust was bestowed on a person who did not deserve it. A person who was raped by simple, plausible, believable character distortion; however, may never feel safe to trust again.

roseA different kind of Valentine’s rose….

Lying to induce sex IS, WAS and ALWAYS WILL BE a crime. The issue over the creation of Sexual Assault by Fraud law is not whether or not a crime takes place, but whether or not our Legislators are brave enough and moral enough to protect us from a defiling act that a significant portion of their constituents believe is just their way of having fun, their right.

To them, It’s no big deal….. it’s just a little white lie.

As a Valentine’s Day gift to yourself and society, please sign the petition to Stop Sexual Assault by Fraud today! Please add your name to the growing bouquet of signatures.

 

 

 

 

 

Internet Dating- A sure way to find a con artist?

online-dating

I receive complaints each and every day about internet dating scams. These stories break my heart. They’re tales of love-bombing and betrayal. Some involve sex addicts. Others hide marriages or money fraud. And my first inclination is to recommend people stay away from dating sites.

MSNBC conducted a survey that calculated 30% of e-dating participants were married. The number was higher for men than women. But the Oasis Singles Blog indicates that 30% of the dating pool, in general, is covering up existing marriages. So if the ratios match, e-dating at least, provides access.

Toxic Hazard

The trick is to use e-dating wisely and be on the watch for hazard signs. 

Free sites are apt to contain more scammers than paid resources for obvious reasons. The greater the disclosure and security provided by the site, the more likely they are to eliminate con artists.

  • If you constantly reach voice mail, rather than securing direct contact, or if their written responses are delayed, your match may be waiting for their wife or business colleagues to get out of the way.
  • Are they speaking in a hushed tone or only texting late at night? Their spouse could be right alongside them when they do.
  • Are they making miraculous recoveries from illness? Telling you they’re sick one day, and then appearing perfectly fine the next, could signal they lied to hide their whereabouts.
  • No photo on the site? When people want to send you their photo privately, rather than place it online, it could signal that they don’t want to be found out by a spouse. Let them know they need to post their picture, not send it to you directly.
  • Weight, height and age are the most frequently incorrect statements on dating profiles. If it’s important to you, don’t take their word for granted.
  • If they never take you home or identify where they live, it’s a tip-off that they’re hiding a spouse.
  • Someone who is really into you would love to show you off to their family. Failure to do so could easily indicate a problem. Con artists will denigrate their family relationships. They’ll even feign that they’re dead. If you don’t meet the family, be very cautious!
  • Avoid e-dating services that market people as wealthy or millionaires. No one who is wealthy wants to be punked by a Gold Digger. Their interest is not served by attracting you to their affluence, so why would they?

ID cards

Always Photo ID a person you meet through on-line dating!

I know it sounds intrusive, and it is! But you are taking risks in diving into the dating pool, and so are they. Rather than springing your request to ID them on your first date, let them know ahead of time that you expect to exchange IDs when you meet. Their resistance is a good indication that they’re not on the level.

 

 

Empathy- It’s fundamental, or is it?

ski fall

Mankind is noted for having three differing types of empathy: cognitive, emotional and compassionate. But there are significant problems that take place when a person has too much or too little of any specific kind.

Best selling author, Dr. Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships points out the downfalls in his informative post, Three Kinds of Empathy.

Cognitive Empathy- Sensing what’s going on with the people around us

Cognitive empathy enables us to perceive what’s going on with the next person. But just because you know what they are experiencing, and what motivates them, does not mean you’ll exhibit caring or be able to put yourself in their shoes. In fact, it may do just the opposite.

Strong cognitive empathy is the tool that torturers rely on to shake a prisoner down for information. They can detach completely from any sense of pathos toward their victim. People who have high levels of cognitive empathy make great politicians and sales people. When cognitive empathy is accompanied by emotional empathy, it’s a good thing.

Sociopaths that conduct emotional harm are intuitive about the needs and wants of their target. They’ll use cognitive clues to position themselves for acceptance, just like a chameleon changes colors. The problem is, they lack the emotional empathy that reigns-in their self-interest. Most people who recover from relationships with sociopaths think back on them as “reptilians” for good reason. There is a distinct cold-bloodiness in the way they operate.

Brooklyn BridgeHaving cognitive empathy and no conscience enables swindlers to come up with asset grabs. Bernie Madoff pops to mind as a good example. We often think of con artists as people who try to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to an unsuspecting victim.

Emotional Empathy- The knee-jerk reaction to the perils that others experience

Emotional empathy enables us to embrace the feelings of others as if we were sharing their experience. When your heart pops into your mouth as someone falls off their chair, you are experiencing emotional empathy. People with appropriate levels of emotional empathy go through life thinking that everyone has it…. until they crash headfirst into the path of someone who does not. Their efforts to try to convey their experience to others is often met with disbelief, which makes the victim feel even more violated and isolated.

A person with high levels of emotional empathy could be hamstrung from benefiting the person with a problem because they may get too emotional to react in a positive way. That’s where compassionate empathy kicks in.

Compassionate Empathy- How we make a difference in the lives of others

Through compassionate empathy, we can use our emotional empathy to produce a meaningful result. A person with a well balanced level of compassionate empathy would come to the aid of the individual who fell, calling 911 if needed, or problem solving to determine what the situation warrants. People with compassionate empathy will appear outwardly cool in a pinch, even while feeling significant concern for the person who’s in danger. While they might fall apart after the crisis ends, they remain sufficiently detached to provide help when it’s needed.

The risk of compassionate empathy in dating

Having compassionate empathy puts people at risk for becoming victims, particularly in internet dating scams. The actor grooms their target with an overabundance of loving gestures to fuel their sense of belonging and build trust. The offender will jiggle the hook with a small bait-like request for a token “favor.” They may even provide reciprocal favors in return, grooming the victim further.

Ultimately, when they believe the victim is sufficiently snagged, they’ll spring a mega-request, and it’s usually about money, sex, or immigration related. It’s often couched in language that makes the request seem like an emergency. Targets that fail to produce the desired result get hit with a scathing attack aimed at crushing their self esteem. They are often too embarrassed and devastated to immediately seek help. They are stunned by the cessation of love they had counted on. Before they regain their equilibrium, the predator is long gone. and probably bad mouthing them to their next victim.

How empathy factors in our relationships

Emotional empathy is absolutely necessary in sustaining a loving relationship. Without it, a person is only capable of engaging with others on a “What’s in it for me?” basis. While they may pretend to be caring, because they know it’s socially acceptable to do so, their self-centered way of looking at the universe will ultimately surface. There will be no “agreeing to disagree” in order to make peace, a negotiation skill that is vital in order to sustain a relationship when acrimony occurs, as it does in any human interaction.

A mate with no emotional empathy cannot and will not put themselves in your shoes. They simply lack the ability to do so. And without this ability, they cannot develop a conscience. The only limits to their behavior stem from fear of being “outed,” and fear of loss or consequences.

No amount of bargaining, acquiescing, pleading, explaining, or cajoling will change their mindset. It is the way they are wired. Once a person advances past the life stage in which their moral code of conduct forms, they are who they are, and YOU will not change them.

How do you know if you’re dating a sociopath?

Someone who lies to you, in order to seduce you, has little or no emotional empathy. They do not put themselves in your shoes. They see you as a prize, an entitlement, a piece of property, but not as the living, breathing, caring human being that you are. If they were dishonest in their on-line dating description, or other information they initially fed you, they have no conscience. They are self indulgent.

The derisive manipulation of a person without emotional empathy will undermine your well-being. Even if the relationship remains intact, the victim’s self esteem will be shredded. So if you are experiencing loss of worth or other abuse, get help, today!

If you are with someone who displays a lack of emotional empathy toward others, it’s a sign of their real, underlying nature.

But, isn’t there a cure? Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? I felt so loved!

Sociopaths are people who lack emotional empathy. That is how their brain works. They are not sick. They are disordered. They know the difference between right and wrong. They just don’t care. They will not get better, but the longer you endure their behavior, the worse your situation will become.

They played with your brain chemistry to hook you. Find someone who loves you for you, not for your assets or other services you provide for them. Get out before giving birth to their child or financial complications get in the way.

A lucky example of collective compassionate empathy! 

ski fal fallingAll of you with emotional empathy will be happy to know that the group of onlookers in the title photo rushed to the aid of the little boy who dangled from his fathers hands. He plunged 25 feet into their waiting arms, and skied the rest of the day. Thanks to Matt Roeser who had his camera at the ready to snap this awesome testament to compassionate empathy at Hidden Valley in Wisconsin.

 

Gold-Diggers

Gold-Digger

Women can be just as CADdish as Men!

Today, I received a CAD Identity post from Canada, from a man who had been defrauded there. It brought home to me, that although we generally see the larger share of romantic frauds, for sex and financial gain, by men against women, there is an extraordinary amount of unscrupulous women who defraud men.

The term we generally ascribe to this phenomenon is Gold-Digger! Their stories abound! If you have one, please post it here! As always, you can, and should change the names of all the participants, including yourself.

The problem of rape by fraud and emotional rape is global. Don’t hesitate to alert us to the country or jurisdiction where this happened to you!

I’m starting with the story of how a Gold-Digger impacted my life...

Young and pretty, she came from the Bronx and was fortunate to find a great job with one of the most prolific music publishers in the world. She was awed by his wealth and connections to the abundant talent in the music business. He was 30 years her senior, a father figure to her.

Narcissists don’t need significant emotional connections. The closeness of loving bonds are not what draws them. Instead, they’re driven by financial gain, fame, stature. He had it all.

When he died, she inherited the businesses he’d built. She needed a boy-toy to accompany her to balls, banquets, fund raisers and events; eye-candy who looked good in a suit, knew what wines to pick, spoke several languages…. someone who could dance and charm her friends. She chose my husband.

We were still married at the time although he had disappeared. There was no internet that helped you locate people back then. He’d left my son and me behind, unsupported. Finding him would have eaten into the money I earned to feed, clothe and raise my child.

We lived in subsidized housing, and I juggled multiple jobs at the same time, in order to provide. There are only 24 hours in a day, and the amount of time I needed to devote to making a living diminished the time I could spend nurturing him. Our relationship still suffers the impacts of that loss today. Meanwhile, my estranged husband enjoyed the largess of one of the wealthiest women on the planet. He worked in her office and lived in her duplex apartment on Fifth Avenue, just a few short blocks from our home. We traveled in far different social circles. Our paths never crossed.

She enabled him to deprive his child and eroded my finances. When I was finally able to drag his CADdish rear end into court, my son was 17 and about to go to college. I needed to recoup whatever I could in order to send him. My attorney tried to secure tax returns and income statements. He stonewalled. His income was untraceable. He had lived off the grid in her generosity.  He claimed he had no job and was homeless, sleeping on his parent’s couch in Florida. I couldn’t afford a forensic accountant or private detective without putting my child’s education at risk. I had no idea what I would find, and no amount of wild imagining could have conjured up the truth!

The amount of money it would have taken to provide adequately for his family was a pittance to them. She simply didn’t give a damn. Gold-Diggers have no heart. When I learned what had actually transpired, I wrote to her. She never responded and they neither attempted to make amends nor repair the cavernous hole that his duplicity created in my finances.

There is so much more to this story, that lead me to create this blog and my efforts to enlighten society about the crime of rape by fraud. It’s said that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. I was blessed with the spirit and strength to live through the pain, and the will to help enlighten and change society. I thank God for the friends who helped me through!

I’ve learned that there are different kinds of wealth in life. While they have money, I have a richness of fulfillment that they will never experience. Character disordered people are incapable of love. I am truly blessed!

Detach from a Predator! Easier said than done!

hooked

 

This morning, I was happy to see Donna Anderson at LoveFraud pick up on a position that I’ve advocated for quite some time, and focused on in my book. And I did so because when people understand the chemical mechanics of romantic addiction, it makes it easier to cut the chord. 

How and why brain chemistry connects us

Mother nature provided us with brain chemistry to bond us to our lover. It enables us to create offspring and cohabit with the other parent in order to provide the nurture and protections needed for their development. Love, therefore, has to be a strong and binding glue because the children of homo sapiens are the slowest to develop on the entire planet. Oxytocin, a powerful neurotransmitter in the brain, that aids in trust, love and emotions, as well as other “love” chemicals, are what separates man from beasts.

Dr. Paul Zak describes the role of oxytocin  in his book, The Moral Molecule. And Scientific American refers to it as love glue.  Coupled together, with our brain’s additional chemistry, they serve us as both the bait and the hook. But when we enter a relationship with a character disordered person, instead of becoming fulfilled and loved, we become damaged and at risk. The chemicals we were provided fight with our conscious awareness to keep us embedded. They begin to function as a toxic glue.

And our code of morality, which evolves over many years, together with the influence of abundant experiences, also defines how we react in romantic situations. For many of us, we develop a code of commitment to a loved one, and we feel shame when we behave out of character with our own personal code, better known as values. A crafty emotional predator can use our own inherent value system to shame us into remaining.

Fear induced bonding

There is yet another strong chemically-related bond that forms in relationships where there is trauma. Misattribution Affect has been aptly described by Dr. Kristin McKinney.  When people experience heightened fear, their adrenaline starts pumping. Going through a traumatic event makes us bond with people with whom we share this circumstance. For instance, riding the roller coaster at the County Fair sparked many a relationship. If the couple wasn’t holding hands when they embarked, they were likely to be when the ride ended. As we go through the roller coaster of a relationship with an offender, even though they have caused us harm, we can feel more bonded with them.

A toxic relationship provides the pain of a constant hook. It is damaging to live with, and excruciating to walk away from.

People will often settle for the relative peace and apologetic behavior that occurs between episodes of abuse. Marriages can take place as a result of a predator’s temporary contriteness between times of turbulence. The victim can easily confuse the offer of marriage, even when made by the offender as an attempt to curtail exposure, as a sincere commitment to reform. And it is easy for a victim to be persuaded when they fall within a calm portion of the cycle of harm.

There is no way to turn, in or out of the relationship with a predator, that is not painful. Victims must surmount their fear of the pain and loss, that they associate with walking away, in order to take that necessary step.

Breaking away!

Because of the terrible pain we feel at the loss, only through consistent and repeated harm, or the discard of the offender, do morally committed people sever a romantic relationship. In cases like Reeva Steenkamp, it’s likely that she died at the hands of her lover, Oscar Pistorius, before she reached the point at which she could free herself from her emotional bond. Pistotius’s cruelty spiraled out of control prior to her reconciling the discrepancy between her “feelings” and the reality of her predicament.

The need for No Contact

Often, even once a victim pulls away, what they feel as a deep-rooted emotional appeal, can draw them back again. They go through a period of turmoil, ruminating about their circumstance, emotionally heaping blame on themselves for not being more of this or less of that. Their brain plays the “if only I had” game as if something they did made the psychopath an aggressor. They can fall into deep depression and need to grieve their loss like grieving over the death of someone close to them. While the offender did not die, their relationship with them died. Having no contact, guards against recycling the predator’s pull and helps assure separation.

When we drink alcohol, it makes our brain feel a certain way. Abstention makes us crave the way we felt to an even stronger degree. Abstaining from a toxic relationship can produce a similar result. Unless people know the chemistry behind their craving, they are susceptible to relapse, which takes the form of forgiving.

How to know we need to go….

Once we recognize that the person is devoid of emotional empathy, getting away from them is the only way to regain our life and equilibrium. Emotional empathy is the knee-jerk reaction we have to other people’s pain or circumstance. Without it, we can’t develop a conscience. A psychopath will not change. They are wired that way. And putting oneself back onto their pathway only puts us in harm’s way.

What happens if the relationship produced a child?

Unfortunately, victims who parent with miscreants will have a lifetime of toxic behaviors to deal with. Victims must do everything possible to build the oxytocin receptors in their children’s brains, early-on, because they are especially at-risk for developing without emotional empathy. They have a pre-disposition to a genetic flaw. Modern mental health professionals tell us that approximately 4% of the world’s population is comprised of psychopaths. Not everyone who is the child of a psychopath will become one. But they are seriously at-risk of doing so.  Dr. Liane Leedom constructs a pathway toward character development for children in her book, Just Like His Father. 

If you are experiencing raising a child with someone you suspect of psychopathy, minimizing your own personal interaction with the other parent should be done to the greatest extent possible. Be cognizant of the chemical pulls that could cause you to feel drawn back toward their appeal. Be sure to retain sight of the harm you were dealt and live in reality. While they can exude the charm that attracted you initially, they are toxic at their core. And when they recognize you are no longer fooled by them, they can and will try everything possible to undermine you, including alienating your children. Stay smart. Seek professional guidance.