Deb’s CAD Tale

Tom CAD TaleA woman named Deb contacted me about what had happened to her and asked me to post it. It’s a tale that’s typical of the outrageous behavior of internet romantic scam artists with an enlightening “take-away”.


A little background….

Tom seemed to be a great match for Deb. He found her in an on-line dating site. He was a good communicator and they spent hours on the phone, almost daily, throughout their eight month relationship. She felt the “chemistry” of a new found connection right away when they first met.

He claimed that his job caused him to travel on assignments. Shortly after they met, he was called away. Little did she recognize, at the time, that married men frequently disguise their existing relationships by claiming the need to travel for business.

More false claims

Tom pretended that he was a Marine Reservist and a Forensic Psychologist. He’d been turned down by the Marines and never went to college. He stated his age as 41 when he was actually 52. He is alleged to be a bigamist. The case has been filed against him in New Jersey and is currently pending.

Debunking the myth

We often hear people accuse SexFraud victims of ignorance and gullibility. But one would hardly use those terms to describe Deb. In fact, she’s trained to recognize, sort out, and deal with issues that surface in dating. She’s a dating coach. She believes that the elevated level of conquest piqued Tom’s interest and made her a “high value” target.

You can read more about Deb’s case on her blog. She has located a number of additional victims who Tom has hoaxed and they serve as a support group for each other.






35 thoughts on “Deb’s CAD Tale”

  1. I was mesmerized by his charm …… the sociopath that swept me off my feet in a whirlwind romance that lasted over a year. I wanted a life with him. I couldn’t imagine anything more wonderful than being with a man of his caliber (former cruise ship bridge officer and NATO naval engineer, and now a brilliant entrepreneur) who made me feel like I was in a romance novel with his sweet Italian accent and loving ways.

    When he suddenly had to move away after 2 weeks, my gut kept telling me there was something wrong with this situation. He was good at alleviating my insecurities. I remember saying over and over to myself, “Please let him be everything that I believe he is. Let it all be true.” I would look at pictures and see a full smile and radiant eyes. I felt that the time apart in the long-distance relationship would all be worth it because he was worth waiting for.

    This man eventually went on to con me out of thousands of dollars and came back to ask me for a huge amount of money which I did not give him. When I look back, I wish I had confided in someone. I kept my doubts secret and I kept it secret when he asked me for money. If I had only heeded those doubts and reached out, the relationship hoax would have ended sooner and caused me less harm. I wish I had been aware of dating scams.

    1. We can all look back with 20/20 hindsight!

      Unfortunately, we don’t have that clarity as we experience the bonding techniques that suck us down the rabbit hole!

      Even experience can’t guarantee that we won’t fall prey to a clever con again. But it’s likely that we’ll come to our senses faster and walk away with less damage.

      It’s great that you recognized you were being ripped off before the “big kill.” Con artists often lure money from their targets a little at a time. They’ll ask for a small amount, and probably repay it. Once you’re convinced that they’re responsible, they’ll up the ante.

    2. The guy was an ass but you were not raped.

      Imagine if you had married him and after a year or so he had divorced you and you had to pay out alimony.

      If you can imagine that you are seeing things through many many mens eyes and you want to call what happened to you rape?

      1. Carl-

        What about “Non-consensual sex is sexual assault,” and “Consent is invalid when induced by deception”…… both valid legal premises in every state in the US, do you not understand?

        How you can claim that someone is not raped when they are hoodwinked into sexual relations is a mystery. You somehow seem to think that there are no boundaries in how you obtain sex and that exploiting them is ok. You’re simply wrong.

        Now that you know, I hope it guides your future behavior.

        1. you just want to support gold digging whores who get the tables turned on them.

        1. Loraine-

          There are lots of “nay sayers” out there who simply don’t have the slightest idea what “consent” really means. If everyone would write or call their legislators and demand they enact the penal code language you’ll find on the link that follows, we can stop rape mentality, and put an end to rape by fraud as well.

          Read this post. Call your legislators! Together, we can make a difference!


          1. After reading the link, I see mine has been emotional rape.
            I have missed him terribly even though I know he intentionally lied to me. It has shocked my system, my heart and my mind.
            That is why I have been googling. It has been so difficult to believe he did this. I feel very foolish. I’m finally getting angry for being taken advantage of deliberately.

            1. Unfortunately, the bonding chemistry of your brain will continue trying to couple you to this man. Mother Nature gave it to you so that when sex produces a child, you remain together to nurture that child to maturity. The end result is that sex acts like a powerful, additive, glue-like force in your brain, and your brain controls your mind.

              You need to fight the addiction of romantic love just as if you were fighting the addiction to alcohol or drugs. Step one is awareness. You’re there. Don’t let the longing you feel get in the way of reality!


              1. Hi Joyce,
                I emailed you my cell number. I am in Laguna Beach.
                I read your book that I purchased on kindle. I am so very sorry for your painful experience with Brian and the loss of contact with Brandon, your heart…
                Wicked men that fraud us. It is so cruel!
                Blessings and peace to you.
                Thank you for sharing and making me not feel so alone.
                I feel so violated!!
                I admire you for going through the fire and igniting help for others in pain and confusion.
                Loraine Fiore.

  2. Unfortunately too many women tell other women to “get away from him’ (excellent advice, of course) followed by ‘just let it go’ and ‘move on with your life.’ That’s why 30 years later women are still telling their stories about people like Bill Cosby…because they found that they can’t really ‘just let it go.’ We need to encourage women who feel they have the strength to do it to be persistent in exposing or reporting things like this, which can be empowering (healing) and is ultimately better for all involved, including future targets of these men. Bravo for telling your story, Deb!

    1. People who say “just let it go” don’t grasp the significant defilement one feels as a result of sexual assault. The recognition that you were raped by fraud is not like you simply broke up with the person. Your trust that you could protect yourself against an unwanted intrusion of your body was undermined. It creates an inherent fear that you will never feel safe again. Being manipulated into sex makes the victim feel complicit in their own harm which Socrates defined as “undermining the character of the victim.”

      People who respond to a victim in this way are multiplying their pain by invalidation.

      1. I experienced this ‘just let it go’ stuff, too. It really is invalidating and hurtful.

        One of my good friends told me, “It seems to me that you are responsible to yourself for releasing him from your life.”

        I released her instead.

        “We shall be friends to those
        heartbroken and in sorrow.
        We shall share their sorrow.”


          1. Loved your post AB! Thanks!

            One of the things my Mom used to say about how to help a friend in need….. Ask them what they need. Don’t tell them.

            Thanks for reminding me!


        1. I heard this recently and wish I could remember from where so I could credit them.. It stuck with me….

          When you cry, your friends will sit down beside you and try to stop you. People who love you will sit down beside you and give you a shoulder to cry on.

      2. Thank you for saying that!!! I feel emotionally and physically defiled by a married man telling me he was divorced and wanted to date me. He was charming and persistent. I took my time. He pursued harder. I fell for him hard. 11 months later I found out he was married after I did some research because of some red flags. He will not admit he is married. He told me he lived an hour and a half away, I found out he lives 10 minutes from me with his wife and 2 boys…
        I have been googling everything to find some help. He is very wealthy and not after money, just a conquest I guess.
        Can anyone help me?? I can’t seem to just let it go. He turned everything around on me and said I was acting crazy.
        Thank you.

        1. Lorraine-

          Let me know what state you live in. there are a couple of states where rape by fraud is a crime. If you don’t live in one of those states, there are a couple of other ways to secure justice.


        2. I live in California. He told me a couple of other girls he ‘dated’ got all crazy with him.
          I actually didn’t get crazy. I told him what I knew and hoped he would be honest with me. He deflected and wanted to continue seeing me. I told him I would no longer see him. He blew up my phone for weeks. I spoke to him a few times in the last 3 months but have not seen him.
          I feel so violated. I took my time and told him why. I was 3 months out of a year long battle with breast cancer when I met him. My husband of 22 years died suddenly 7 years before I met him. He was loving and made me feel seen, heard and safe. He is very charming.
          He finally has not called me im two weeks.
          Most likely with a new victim.
          Should I tell his wife??
          I would be interested to know what I should do.
          Thank you!

          1. Wives, for the most part, are drinking their husband’s “Kool Aid.” An attempt to enlighten her will likely be seen as either your fault for seducing him, completely denied, or defamation on your part. You will be described as the person who is “going crazy” on him like the other victims who came before you. Do you know who any of them are?

            Have you seen a therapist to help recover from your trauma over this incident? If you have, you could sue him for the cost of recovery. Your case will become public record.

            When victims take the legal steps to seek justice or recovery, I have no problem with running their tagged photos on this blog and publishing the case.

            California will prosecute rape by fraud in the factum. This means, lies about the act itself. Their statutes; however, (Penal Code 261 PC) state that non-consensual sex by deception is an act of rape. You could, and should, file a case against him with your local precinct. They will likely tell you to go home and get over it. You need to insist that “consent is freely given, knowledgeable and informed agreement,” not simply agreement on the face of it (assent.) He used deception to physically violate you. You can’t give “consent” to a liar. It’s an oxymoron.

            Take any and all data with you that proves he lied to you. (Could be a false profile on a dating site, false info in a text or email, etc. Be sure to get the name of the officer you speak with.) Record or copy down everything (s)he says, and let me know the result. Based on their response, we can determine the next steps.


            1. On Sun, Dec 24, 2017 at 8:49 AM, STOP ROMANCE SCAMS! wrote:

              > Joyce M. Short commented: “Wives, for the most part, are drinking their > husband’s “Kool Aid.” An attempt to enlighten her will likely be seen as > either your fault for seducing him, completely denied, or defamation on > your part. You will be described as the person who is “going craz” >

  3. If this man ever gets arrested for his outrageous behavior, he becomes fair game for the press and bloggers who can spread the word.

    Sexual Assault by Fraud must be included in penal code to assure that will happen. Of course, if he’s arrested on other charges, like bigamy, he could be outed as well.

  4. It’s a shame that women need to qualify doing the right thing by explaining it is not ‘revenge’ or ‘retribution’ – thanks to the stereotypes perpetuated by society as a means to silence women. This man absolutely needs to be exposed as he counts on secrecy (and trust) to manipulate; I believe we need to name names to make a difference.

    Imagine if he actually made it into the jobs he pretended to have – there are men with sociopathic traits that do and they are even more dangerous once they have a ‘trusted’ title or vocation. I was married to one of those – until I figured out all of his ‘half-truths’ as he liked to call them.

      1. GP

        Congratulations on the wonderful work you do!

        I believe we need to address psychopathy with a four-pronged approach:

        1. Enlightening society
        2. Exposing predators
        3. Creating laws to deter their behavior
        4. Healing victims of psychopathic abuse

        Through the registry you maintain and the CAD Suspects list of this blog, hopefully, we can create some meaningful exposure.

        While I’d love to see a test created, the cunning and shrewdness of psychopaths is likely to enable them to easily sail through undetected. I’ll give you an example:

        One Sunday morning I picked up my NY Times and saw a young man’s face, that I had placed a few weeks earlier, on the front cover. I used to own a search firm that dealt with the finance industry. I had introduced this young man to a job as a P & S Clerk at Bache and Co.

        In order to work in the back office of financial institutions at the time, one had to submit to a polygraph test. The polygrapher would ask questions about your employment, your education, and whether you’d ever committed a crime or stolen from your employer. They’d go through your employment application line-by-line. This young man had no trouble passing the poly.

        Before he went for his interview, he stopped by my office to pick up an introductory card. I’d noticed that he didn’t have on a tie, the standard wardrobe for anyone who was trying to “impress” in that era. I suggested he buy one on his way to Bache’s office. A couple of minutes later, he was back with tie in hand. “I don’t know how to tie it,” he confessed.

        Having two little step sons, and a meticulously dressed husband, it was a piece of cake for me. I got up from my desk, tied his knot, and wished him good luck. He thanked me. “Cute kid,” I thought, as I settled back to work.

        I choked down my coffee because I immediately recognized his face in the Times that morning. The headline read something like: Staten Island man arrested in stoning of little girl. He had bashed her head with a rock in a blow that had killed her. The crime had preceded his polygraph by about three months.

        People without conscience pass polygraphs. Not everyone who commits a crime or fails to do the right thing is a psychopath. Motivation can come from many corners, including perceived necessity or anger. If testing of this kind can’t detect them, I can’t imagine any other form of testing that could.

        1. Thanks for the kudos! Much love and respect for your work in return! I developed a list for folks so they could recognize the dysfunctional habits that most psychopaths exhibit even while masked, but it takes a few days/weeks of observance. Mostly, people should know that trust is not to be given freely, it is something that should be earned.

          Also, there is the fMRI which shows the disorder, but is expensive:
          Differences between psychopathy and other personality disorders: evidence from neuroimaging

        2. It’s scary, Joyce. Lying doesn’t faze them (nor does killing someone). Their pulse never goes up, so there’s nothing for a polygraph to detect. Some researchers are making progress using brain scans. Maybe that will be the answer one day.

    1. i will support this the day after we start prosecuting gold digging females for rape, fraud and theft.

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