A gentleman named Mal asked me a question this morning that I believe is important for all my followers to see….
I am pretty sure that a large proportion of dating site profiles have at least one lie in them somewhere. Women often lie about their age for example. If you claim to be 38, when you are in fact 42 and then have sex, would that be considered rape?
And here’s my answer:
When you lie about your identity characteristics, you are altering a person’s impression of who you are. If you don’t straighten out this misconception BEFORE you engage in sex, you have duped them into the act. Why would someone be entitled to having sex with another person under false pretenses? You are defrauding them, not seducing them. You are not the person they think you are.
I often say that lying is not a crime, but defrauding someone is. So here’s a perfect example of when a lie becomes a crime.
You shape a person’s concept of “you” with what you say to them. And if you shape yourself to be someone through false personation, you are using identity characteristics that are not “yours” in order to sexually penetrate them.
Make it difficult to fool you!
Because of the significant amount of lies that internet dating sites are known for, I suggest checking an internet date’s ID prior to advancing the relationship.
Obviously, if you meet them and experience no attraction, there’s no need. But if you feel inclined to see them again, exchanging ID would be a good idea. If they resist, it’s a pretty good sign that you should walk away.
When someone asks for an ID check, it’s the right time to confess the lies you wrote into your profile. And if everyone who participated in internet dating, made this a regular practice, you would see the lies diminish. What would be the sense if you would be found out before the relationship got anywhere, and your having lied would paint you as untrustworthy.
An ID check will not give you all the details you’ll want about this person. But, unless they hand you a forgery, which, unfortunately is possible, you’ll at least have their real name, age and address. People who are married are loath to give you their address, so the likelihood of their pretending to be single is reduced.
And…. retain the dating profile of anyone who you go out with!
Should “Counterfeit Daters” be punished?
If a person creates a counterfeit one dollar bill, are they committing a crime? If they use it, they certainly are. And if they pass off a large quantity of them, or tender a forgery of a larger denomination, the penalty for their crime increases. The principle behind the crime, they use a counterfeit to get what they’re after, is the same regardless of the size of the bill. And lying to defraud someone of sex is a crime, regardless of the size of the lie. In fact, the simple lie…… the age, the marital status, that spills off the tongue, in many ways is even more insidious because of its complete reliability.
Please note, however, that no crime can ever be prosecuted without significant proof, so a “he said, she-said,” told to you at a club or a party, will not garner an arrest when you jump into the sack with the offender.
Take an internet relationship slowly. Be sure to get to know the person well. Meet their family and their friends. Be wary of dates who claim to travel for business. It could easily cover up that their spouse is at home, looking after their children, while they travel from date to date.
Lying to someone is not a crime. Lying in order to take something you otherwise would not get is.
Yes, people GIVE things to scammers all the time. But their act of giving is invalidated by the deception that caused them to do so. The victim’s consent is considered ineffective under the law. A crime, not just a lie, has taken place.
We don’t consider being scammed “changing your mind,” when you discover that a hoax deprived you of your assets, but when the scam is about sex, people seem to think that upon recognition, the victim simply changed their mind about having given their permission.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Just as in all crimes of fraud, they never gave their knowing consent in the first place.
In 1962, the American Law Institute expressed illegal consent the following way:
“Consent is ineffective if induced by force, duress, or deception.”
Many states across the country, including the state of NJ, where Assembly Bill #3908 is currently pending, have adopted the terminology expressed by Model Penal Code as the law in their own jurisdiction.
Why is society blind to rape by fraud?
Somehow, when fraud is used as a tool to undermine a person’s self determination over their sexual sanctity, an act of rape or sexual assault when committed by any other means, most of society does not recognize that a crime is occurring. Drug someone, force someone through coercion or violence….. we know they were raped. Dupe someone? To many people, it’s just “puffery”.. the business as usual of conducting seduction.
The fact that the offender sexually penetrated the victim by usurping their consent through an illegal means is irrelevant to them. They are people who feel manipulation is their right. When they manipulate you for your money, they’ll go to jail. When they manipulate you to sexually penetrate you, that’s perfectly okay.
It’s not! When they defraud you to sexually penetrate your body, they are sexually assaulting you, not seducing you. And if rape by fraud laws exist in your jurisdiction, whether or not they will go to jail depends on whether or not you can prove that a crime took place.
Here’s the definition of fraud that everyone in law school learns in their very first class on this topic:
The offender lies
The offender knows they are lying
The offender expects the person to rely on their lie
The person relies on their lie
The offender takes what the person values based on 1-4
As it does every day, fraud figured prominently in today’s headlines.
In Fargo, ND, two farmers, Aaron and Dereck Johnson, defrauded the government by deliberately destroying their potato crop and cashing-in on a federal insurance plan.
Even our government leaders seem prone to scamming
In NY, deeply entrenched Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver, a fixture in the state’s legislature for over 20 years, was recently charged with a fraudulent hoax that put over $4M in his pockets. How can we expect legislators who use their law practice to mask illegal kickbacks to possibly understand the harm in wearing a mask to conduct sex?
Society has lost its moral compass
People are defrauded of sex each and every day. They feel defiled. For many, their lives are shattered because one person felt that their entitlement to get sex, any way they could, was more important than their victim’s self determination over your body. They violated. They don’t give a damn. This needs to stop.
Socrates pointed out the character-undermining quality of “sex by persuasion,” which was his term for rape by fraud. He remarked that violent rapists are obvious villains, but people who defraud for sex gouge the very character of the victim. And here’s why….
In order for us to walk comfortably through the world, we need an element of trust. We must feel that the society around us means us no harm and we take comfort from the concept that we can protect ourselves if that changes. If we did not feel this confidence, we could not venture out the door and into the world.
Traumatic events destroy our trust. When we’ve been hurt by an external villain, we can re-secure ourselves by moving to a location where we consider people “safe” to be with. Unless our circumstance requires us to remain in danger, we can escape and ultimately feel safe again.
What is different about harm by fraud?
Being defrauded calls for manipulation of our defenses. We become culpable in our own harm. Fraud surreptitiously causes us to take the very actions that undermine us. And the person we can no longer trust becomes ourselves.
Fraud demolishes our personal sense of being capable of self protection and preservation. The feeling that we can’t protect our own inviolate self undermines us at our very core.
How do we regain our own self-trust?
First off, we have to have the will to do so. If we only see our life as an unsafe place, we’ll throw ourselves into bed, pull the covers over our head, and curl up into a fetal position. We’ll remain withdrawn from society because we can’t trust that we’ll be safe in its midst.
In order to begin to muster the will to trust ourselves again, we need to create events in our life that make us feel happy, or at least empowered.
Disengage from folks who blame you
The blame for fraud lies with the offender, not with the victim. Anyone can be fooled if the perpetrator is a good liar. Don’t keep people in your support group who try to shame you into empowerment. Shame and fear is exactly what you’re trying to release from.
Being a trusting person is a noble character trait. You learned a lesson; however, that your trust can be undeserved. Don’t confuse your need to be more circumspect in the future with blame for having been ripped off. And don’t tolerate anyone else doing so either.
Disengage from folks who tell you to “just get over it.” “Move on.” “Don’t let this affect you.”
You are not “letting” it affect you. It’s simply affecting you. That statement is a perfect example of victim shaming. They have no compassion and don’t see how vulnerable you’ve been made to feel. Ignorance is bliss. They were never harmed the way you were.
Become your best friend
Feed yourself healthy food. Force yourself to exercise. Insist on keeping a sleep routine that provides you with adequate healing rest but does not allow you to confine yourself in your bedroom. You have to learn to trust yourself again. You have to do what you know is best for yourself.
If you can, find a therapist…. one that deals with PTSD and understands the horrors of sociopathic relationships. If you are unable to afford private help, seek care through support groups and the low cost/no cost mental health clinics at major hospitals.
Force yourself back into the world
Do things you love. Remind yourself of the value in your life. Plan moments of enjoyment with friends, family or alone, taking in music, artwork, sports or whatever makes you happy.
There is nothing quicker or better at re-building self esteem than helping someone else! Doing so can not only empower you, it can put you into the company of like minded people who care about others, a place where you can feel safe.
Editor’s Note: A recent comment by my FL buddy, Lauren, who’d fallen prey to a relationship hoax, reminded me of this post that I’d written about a year ago. She confided that she affectionately told her boyfriend that he seemed to be dosing her with “Love Potion #9.” Little did she know that sociopaths are masters at stirring up our brain chemistry to attract and hook us to them.
Romantic “chemistry” really does attract us and link us to a mate.
Love Potion #9 was one of the most popular songs of 1959. It was written by Lieber and Stoller and originally recorded by The Clovers. It was published by the Aberbach brothers who owned Hill & Range Songs Inc. It’s been covered by over twenty five other artists since its original release. Although it’s a spoof on a chemical concoction that makes people fall in love, it’s not so far from the truth.
Addicted to love
Romantic love has recently been shown to be a chemical addiction, similar to drugs and alcohol, but, when all goes well, it supports our love life instead of diminishing it. The chief chemical component in romantic love is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter. Produced in the brain, it creates a sense of trust and cleaves us to our love interest.
When love goes very wrong
When we’re betrayed, although we may feel abused and defiled, we might continue clinging to the offender because we need to replace the “loved” feeling oxytocin, and the other neurotransmitters, created. The immediate cessation of the chemicals we recognize as love, may cause us to bond more powerfully in an addicted-like fashion that we’re unaware of. Just like an alcoholic craves a drink when they attempt to abstain, a person experiencing betrayal can feel a heightened sense of attachment. The result could be described as being stuck in toxic glue.
The best exit strategy
Having “no contact” with the offender is the best way to free ourselves of destructive loving bonds. Doing so enables us to get rid of the desire and longing that accompanies separation. But it’s extremely difficult for the victim to undertake this type of hyper-separation and it’s all too easy for a predator to misuse brain chemistry to wangle back into their life.
Victims must be able to see the forest, not just the trees, that are blocking the big picture.
The irony in a song
Interestingly, the Aberbach fortune existed in the backdrop of the personal harm I endured from my ex. Hill & Range Songs owned a 50% share of Elvis Presley, 10% of the Beatles, and 75% of the music coming out of Nashville. They owned the lion’s share of all the popular hits of the ’50s and ’60s.
My estranged husband was harbored by Jean Aberbach’s widow while he abandoned our child and deprived me of child support. As related in my book, Carnal Abuse by Deceit, (rt click to link,) the irony of oxytocin’s relationship with Love Potion #9 is particularly poignant for me.
Editor’s note….. Here’s a new and interesting twist on a sexual hoax. This international scam artist entices women into marriage commitments so he can enjoy the luxury of their family’s homes when he globe hops to be with his “fiance.”
This story was supplied by an Asian woman we’ll call “Susi” about the man she aptly calls, “Demon.”
The “International Traveler” Sex Scam
I am a woman who has been physically, financially and emotionally abused by a serial fraudster.
I met a Canadian man, Demon, via an online matching service. He was a Pharmacy Manager at a retail giant. We started communicating by online chatting, phone calls and emails. On his personal profile, he clearly stated he was single with no children, and looking for a wife. He asked me if I was marriage minded. He also had brief conversations with my mother over the phone on several occasions. We first met face-to-face in France.
The perfect gentleman
Whenever we crossed the street or entered doorways, he would lightly touch my back, in a “ladies first” gesture. I thought he was being a gentleman. But as we were sight-seeing, he used that gesture to push me down the stairs of the train car we had just ridden, and I stumbled onto the platform. I was badly injured and still suffer orthopedic pain from this incident.
We had talked about our room arrangement before our trip, I had insisted on separate rooms. I booked and paid for my own accommodations for the evening of my arrival and the next night. He had not booked a room for himself and there was just one room left in the hotel. It was the busiest season in Paris because of the holiday and exhibitions; therefore, finding accommodations was quite competitive, The last room was taken while he hesitated.
His motive to injure me
I believe that Demon injured me in order to make me feel dependent on him. He emphasized that he was a medical professional and was capable of taking care of me. I was in a great deal of pain from the fall.
After the trip, he frequently talked about marriage, a wedding, and honeymoon. Demon wanted to come to see my parents and preferred staying at our place to a hotel so he could get to know us better.
The truth comes out
Shortly before his visit, I learned that the residential address he had given me actually belonged to a former employee (also a pharmacist) at his same company. When I noticed that he had lied, I spoke to him about it and ended the relationship.
I also learned that he misused his workplace phone for carrying-on a fraudulent relationship with me and with other woman who he met online. I discovered that he was a married pervert, with three children, who had exploited me and my family.
He establishes himself as a fiance to target a woman’s parents and use their home for lodging as he travels the world.
In pursuit of justice
My damages from the accident are serious. I still suffer from severe pain and have also endured depression both due to the injury and the deception he perpetrated. I wasted lots of money on a trip that was totally based on false pretenses. In addition, I have spent, and will have to spend, huge sums for my medical needs which include braces, rehabilitation and surgeries.
I filed a lawsuit in my country, against this con artist. A series of pleadings were held, however Demon failed to submit an answer to the claim or appear in court. A default judgment was issued, and he did not appeal. Accordingly, the judgment was confirmed.
I had sent letters (authenticated by a Notary) and my lawyer also sent a demand letter. Demon was informed about the possibility of enforcement of judgments from outside of Canada. He was given ample time to prepare for and enter his plea. He did not.
I am awaiting the result of the further action I must take to secure payment for the judgement. The policies of the Canadian government toward processing such claims places a financial burden on the victim that impedes justice.
A woman named Deb contacted me about what had happened to her and asked me to post it. It’s a tale that’s typical of the outrageous behavior of internet romantic scam artists with an enlightening “take-away”.
A little background….
Tom seemed to be a great match for Deb. He found her in an on-line dating site. He was a good communicator and they spent hours on the phone, almost daily, throughout their eight month relationship. She felt the “chemistry” of a new found connection right away when they first met.
He claimed that his job caused him to travel on assignments. Shortly after they met, he was called away. Little did she recognize, at the time, that married men frequently disguise their existing relationships by claiming the need to travel for business.
More false claims
Tom pretended that he was a Marine Reservist and a Forensic Psychologist. He’d been turned down by the Marines and never went to college. He stated his age as 41 when he was actually 52. He is alleged to be a bigamist. The case has been filed against him in New Jersey and is currently pending.
Debunking the myth
We often hear people accuse SexFraud victims of ignorance and gullibility. But one would hardly use those terms to describe Deb. In fact, she’s trained to recognize, sort out, and deal with issues that surface in dating. She’s a dating coach. She believes that the elevated level of conquest piqued Tom’s interest and made her a “high value” target.
You can read more about Deb’s case on her blog. She has located a number of additional victims who Tom has hoaxed and they serve as a support group for each other.
Who would suspect a man who tells you he’s educated is a high school drop out? Why would you possibly think he’s lying if he says he has no kids or is single, while his wife of 17 years is at home caring for his 3 children. What would trigger your fears when the supporting Facebook page for his business is nothing more than a scam that hides his three stretches in Attica. And when he shows you medical documents that indicate he’s healthy, why would you suspect they’re forged and he’s deliberately passing along HIV?
Yes, there are cases that sound outlandish to the viewing public…….a man tells you he’s an operative for the British Defense Ministry, a sort of, James Bond.
Who would believe such outrageous nonsense?
When you hear the “James Bond” victim’s story, her ability to plot-out his arrest, you wonder who conned whom. On national TV, she boasted about using a pocketbook spy cam to create a “sting” operation and how she lured him into the hands of the waiting police, creating fodder for her book deal. But the schemes that hoax most victims are far more compelling, insidious and heartbreaking.
A victim is a victim
Don’t get me wrong, people who get “punked” in outlandish scams deserve the same protections against sexual assault by fraud as everyone else, even though the more “out there” the tale, the more difficult it is for society to relate. But it’s the frauds that are so entirely plausible, the “honest-sounding lies,” that are even more sinister and insidious. They leave the victim feeling totally unable to protect themselves and create deeply rooted Post Traumatic Stress.
People who believe outrageous lies end up blaming themselves but recognizing that their trust was bestowed on a person who did not deserve it. A person who was raped by simple, plausible, believable character distortion; however, may never feel safe to trust again.
A different kind of Valentine’s rose….
Lying to induce sex IS, WAS and ALWAYS WILL BE a crime. The issue over the creation of Sexual Assault by Fraud law is not whether or not a crime takes place, but whether or not our Legislators are brave enough and moral enough to protect us from a defiling act that a significant portion of their constituents believe is just their way of having fun, their right.
To them, It’s no big deal….. it’s just a little white lie.
As a Valentine’s Day gift to yourself and society, please sign the petition to Stop Sexual Assault by Fraud today! Please add your name to the growing bouquet of signatures.
Spectacular in photos, but not so pretty when it comes to protecting against Sexual Assault by Fraud!
There are 13 types of fraud identified in Chapter 37 of Maine’s Penal Code. And one of them, Misuse of Identification, is particularly revealing. It states that oral misrepresentation of name, date of birth, or any other means of identifying the person that is generally accepted as accurate and reliable, would make the offender guilty of a specific crime.
This statute enables us to see that providing oral false statements about one’s identity, when used to conduct an illicit act, is, indeed, penalized in Maine, but not when it comes to defrauding a victim of sex.
2. A person is guilty of gross sexual assault if that person engages in a sexual act with another person and:
A. The actor has substantially impaired the other person’s power to appraise or control the other person’s sexual acts by furnishing, as defined in section 1101, subsection 18, paragraph A, administering or employing drugs, intoxicants or other similar means. Violation of this paragraph is a Class B crime; [2007, c. 474, §1 (AMD).]
Arguably, this clause could enforce rape by fraud if the state would support that lies impair the victim’s ability to “appraise and control” and if fraud would be considered “other similar means.” Instead, the state of Maine prosecutes one specific type of Sexual Assault by Fraud, that of being duped into accepting a drug that could render the victim powerless against sexual contact:
A. The other person is a patient of the actor and has a reasonable belief that the actor is administering the substance for medical or dental examination or treatment; or [2007, c. 474, §2 (NEW).
Unless otherwise provided, when causing a result is an element of a crime, causation may be found where the result would not have occurred but for the conduct of the defendant operating either alone or concurrently with another cause, unless the concurrent cause was clearly sufficient to produce the result and the conduct of the defendant was clearly insufficient. [1981, c. 324, §14 (NEW).]
In every act of Sexual Assault by Fraud, the result, sexual relations, would not have occurred but for the conduct of the defendant operating either alone or concurrently with another cause. In fact, many cases of sexual assault by fraud occur alongside defrauding the victim of money or property and sometimes, even for immigration status.
Sexual relations with someone mentally incapable of consent
Administering drugs intoxicants or similar means
Engaing in sex with someone who is incapable of resisting and has not consented to the sexual act
Engaging in sex when various circumstances of authority or medical care exist
In general, Maine needs to create specific language to protect its citizens, and travelers who come to fish, hunt, swim, hike, ski, kayak, bird watch, snowboard, surf, sail and conduct all kinds of other activities, from the perils of sexual assault by fraud when they’re visiting the state.
Carlos Lamborghini is NOT the name of the man who scammed Lauren Lazarro of Tampabay/Sarasota FL. We’ve changed it ’til additional victims step forward to bring charges. There’s safety, and validity, in numbers. We know he’s harmed many unsuspecting women who think they have no recourse.
This Italian Lothario, con artist has claimed the name of a speedy sports car and can rip you off for sex and money from zero to 10 seconds!
Here’s what happened in Ms. Lazarro’s words:
I was defrauded on a popular dating site by a man that was a complete impostor presenting himself as a wealthy Romantic Italian man that had been a cruise ship officer and presently working as a marketing entrepreneur. All of his professionally designed web pages and videos supported his claims. I fell in love with him.
He defrauded me of thousands of dollars and over a year of my life in a long distance relationship. He tried to come after a lot more money to finish me off. I think his Italian accent was fake and his name is an alias. He lied about his age. I also believe he lied about his country of origin, his military service, and his education.
Without legislation on the use of “false personation” to conduct rape by fraud, I can’t even file a complaint with the sheriff’s office. I was told, “Lesson learned,” and “Don’t come back!” So, the problem is that this predator can set up shop in town with internet dating, scam a lot of women in a local area, and then flee the area. I am sure there are more victims of this man in Florida. It was an elaborate scheme.
If you’ve been defrauded by a man whose name mimics a fancy high-end sports car, with a sophisticated web-site that promotes his, probably, non-existent, multi-level business, please comment here, or you can reach Joyce privately by using the data form on the Stop Rape By Fraud page of this blog. None of the information you enter there is publicly disclosed.
He can be anywhere but is known to frequent Florida, Idaho and California.
Dressed in street clothes he’d soon be swapping for an orange jumpsuit, William Allen Jordan, watches the case preceding his own.
In his comments to Judge Phillip Haines, New Jersey ADA, Steve Eife said, “The case against Jordan reads like a fictional book.”
Jordan had pretended to be an operative of the British Defense Ministry to scam NJ resident, Mischele Lewis, into sexual conduct, a long term relationship, pregnancy, and the loss of of $4,383.00.
Playing the sympathy card
Attorney, Karen Thek, attempted to impress Judge Philip Haines with efforts Jordan had made toward restitution. He’d handed over a cashier’s check for the amount he’d stolen from Lewis. He’d pleaded guilty to the charges. Thek stressed that Jordan had difficulty raising the money due to the negative notoriety created by the press.
Ever the charmer, Jordan attempted a last ditch effort to soften up Judge Haines. He lamented, “My attorney said it all. All I can do is apologize. My mother is in the hospital. I just want to get back to helping her and my father,” No one in the court room who knew his story was running for the tissue box!
Haines recounted a litany of prior convictions and arrests, starting with seven counts of passing bad checks, each for over $200. He cited British convictions for bigamy and sexual assault. He remarked that even the five years of prison that Jordan had already served failed to deter him, and that the public needed to be protected from him.
Jordan was sentenced to:
Three years’ incarceration in the New Jersey State Penitentiary
Waiver of appeal
No contact, ever, with Ms. Lewis
Jordan received credit for 130 days he’d already served, then Officer Kocher approached and directed him to put his hands behind his back. He complied and she cuffed his wrists. Then she quietly escorted him out of the room to the jail located down the hall. After the harm he’d created for the women whose lives he’d touched, the irony that his jailer was a female was poetic.
So ended Will Jordan’s personal contribution to sexual assault by fraud law in the state of New Jersey.
Jordan’s case was the first that came my way after publishing Carnal Abuse by Deceit. The book was launched on November 20, 2013. Donna Anderson contacted me about the Jordan case less than 4 months later. She’d read my book and reviewed it on her blog, LoveFraud.com. She knew I was advocating for laws to protect against the type of crime Jordan committed, and working with victims to get that accomplished. When Lewis complained to her about her case, Anderson referred her to me.
Lewis read my book and learned why Jordan’s conduct should be a criminal offense. Her case was a good example for the law I’d suggested, so I agreed to help.
A post on this web page attracted the attention of Michele Noberto who’d inspired “Nicole’s Law” to provide restraining orders for sexual assault victims. Even though Lewis had applied for one and been turned down by Judge John Tomasello, Noberto discovered that a temporary order had indeed been issued under “Nicole’s Law.”
Assemblyman Troy Singleton, who represents Lewis’s district, noticed the press coverage Anderson and I had generated. He offered to submit a legislative bill prohibiting Sexual Assault by Fraud.
NBC’s Dateline created an episode about Jordan called The Mystery Man.
Currently existing laws in NJ and the Prosecutor’s failure
ADA Steve Eife insisted on charging Jordan with sexual assault by coercion even though no coercion had taken place. Lewis agreed to Eife’s plan and the grand jury failed to indict because there was no coercion.
Before the grand jury met, I’d appealed to Eife to enter a charge that excluded coercion, but he’d turned a deaf ear. At the sentencing I asked why he hadn’t used mental incapacity or simple sexual assault. Mental incapacity states that an offender cannot use drugs or any other meansto alter a victim’s awareness. He insisted that only referred to hypnosis even though his claim is not supported by the statute.
There was clear and compelling proof that Jordan had defrauded Lewis of sex and a possibility that the Grand Jury could have indicted. For sure, they could not indict on “coercion. They indicted for theft by fraud which was based on the same lies that defrauded Lewis of sex.
I argued that deception vitiates consent as stated in Model Penal Code. Eife claimed that Model Penal Code’s Consent Provision does not apply in NJ law, yet it’s as plain as day on page 148 of NJ’s Criminal Law Digest:
Consent is ineffective, unless otherwise provided, if it is given by a person who is induced by force, duress, or deception, or by a person who is legally incompetent or otherwise unable to judge the harmfulness of the conduct. N.J.S.A. 2C:2-10c.
Laws don’t assume. If something is not specifically stated as contradictory, it’s up to the jury to determine whether or not it applies. Eife did not give Jordan’s case the opportunity it needed to determine whether the language in the law could or should be sufficient to prosecute fraud as a means to sexually assault the victim. His failure underscores flagrant misconceptions about consent.
A victory, none-the-less
Tonight, I’m celebrating a milestone for Carnal Abuse by Deceit. It succeeded in opening society’s conversation about rape by fraud in the modern era.
Assemblyman Troy Singleton stepped forward to introduce legislation that will prevent “Sexual Assault by Fraud” throughout the state of New Jersey! The bill is currently sitting with the Legislative Judicial Committee who can “kill the bill” or move it on it’s way toward recognition and acceptance.
When Mischele Lewis first consulted me regarding her case against William Allen Jordan. I researched the laws in her state. The language in NJ on “Aggravated Sexual Assault” seemed to be the closest fit for the crime, but the Prosecutor charged “Sexual Assault by Coercion.” instead. The jury failed to indict because, indeed, no coercion had taken place.
The Jordan case underscores the importance of creating very clear, directed language in the law in order to prosecute offenders who con victims for sex. Countless people are defrauded this way all the time! This bill will raise society’s awareness and make that stop!
Two more cases were recently brought to my attention in NJ. A myriad of others came forward from other states. Only the penal code of Alabama and Tennessee are clear on this heinous crime.
Please make your voice heard!
It only takes half of a second to sign the Change.org petition that tells Legislators in NJ how important this issue is to you! The head of the Judicial Committee receives notice of all signatures. You do not have to be a NJ resident to sign. Please add your voice to this important cause!
Today, New Jersey. Tomorrow the world. You can help raise awareness one signature at a time!
While working as an undercover officer infiltrating the Animal Liberation Front, Robert Lambert, conducted a sexual and emotional relationship that fathered a child.
Currently, he lectures as a highly lauded criminologist at London Metropolitan University. According to BBC News, the Metropolitan Police paid 425,000 Pounds Sterling to the mother of his child for damages.
Helen Steel thought she’d met her “soulmate” when she began her two year emotional and sexual relationship with John Barker. He’d used “false personation” to vitiate her consent. After his sudden disappearance she discovered he was really John Vines, an undercover detective who was infiltrating Green Peace, an organization she belonged to.
These two cases clearly support the need to create rape by fraud law in the UK. Not only does this horrific, life altering crime take place in common society, but the police, whose job is to serve and protect citizens, commits sanctioned rape by fraud in conducting its “affairs.”
Objections to penal code on sexual assault by fraud range from uninformed to downright bizarre:
People should just be more careful,
Boys will be boys,
It happens so frequently- half of society would end up in jail,
……… and on and on!
Here are some frequently raised objections, and why they simply don’t fly:
“Victims should be more careful.”
People with this objection fail to realize that sexual predators will specifically set out to lie and thwart detection. They go to great lengths to proffer and perpetuate sexual hoaxes. They deliberately harm one unsuspecting victim after another.
Rape by fraud happens to naive people, but it also happens to very astute victims who are not easily fooled. To some offenders, undermining the emotional armor that protects the most intelligent and savvy target is especially rewarding.
A victim’s “carefulness” can be undermined by an unscrupulous offender, and naivete is not a crime. Rape is.
“They didn’t know, so no crime was committed.”
All fraud takes place as the result of the victim being overcome by the offender’s vitiation of consent. But when the victim learns they were “had,” their feelings of defilement can be overwhelming. The same would be true of date rape in which the victim was drugged and not conscious when the rape actually took place.
No rape is less of a rape because the victim did not know that it was happening to them at the time.
“Rape by fraud is really not rape.”
The generic word, “rape” is globally accepted as “non-consented sexual penetration.” While different states call it by different names, sexual assault, sexual battery, sexual misconduct, etc, “rape” refers to sexually penetrating a victim who would not knowingly consent but for the vitiation of their consent by the offender. Because society balks at the use of the term “rape” when no violence occurs, however, it’s best to use a less glaring term for non-violent acts of rape.
A recent University of North Dakota survey indicates that approximately 1 out of 3 college men would rape if they thought there would be no consequences. This figure was arrived at when the act was described but not referred to as “rape.” When the word “rape” was introduced, however, the ratio dropped to 13%.
Rape is the crime of stealing sex from someone who would not otherwise give it to you.
“Saying “yes” means consent.”
Using fraud to secure a “yes” is sexual exploitation. In all human interaction, when someone defrauds you of your assets or dupes you into conduct of any sort, they are using the tool of “fraud” to take something from you. Your consent is considered totally ineffective under the law.
Model Penal Code- “Consent is ineffective when induced by force, duress or deception.”
“Rape by fraud laws would punish people for wearing padded bras, lifts in their shoes, or dying their hair.”
Balderdash! A person’s appearance is either pleasing to their sexual partner or not. An appearance enhancement neither masks the nature of the act itself nor the identity or intent of the offender.
Appearance enhancements can and should be disqualified as “fraud” in rape by fraud law.
“This law is just another way to make society more of a woman’s world and undermine maleness.”
I view that comment as one of the most sexist things I’ve ever heard. In the tug of war between misogyny and misandry, some feel that rape by fraud laws favor women. Women can be just as guilty of conducting rape by fraud as men, although more rapes occur to women than men.
Rape by fraud law would protect men against gold-diggers and curtail the transmission of life-altering illness that occurrs when a sexual predator lies to hide their health condition from someone of either sex.
The law is gender neutral and provides equal protection to both men and women.
“It goes on all the time. How could laws possibly be enforced?”
First off, it shouldn’t go on all the time, and that’s exactly why this law is so important. Once it becomes law, people will recognize sexual assault by fraud as abhorrent behavior.
The proofs needed to try a case are far more substantial than simply “he said, she said.” The police can’t arrest someone without proof of a claim, the Grand Jury can’t indict, and the victim would have to have made a reasonable effort to know the truth.
Willingly jumping into bed with someone upon first meeting them would not qualify as rape by fraud. Unless the victim can substantiate that the crime, indeed, was committed against them, in keeping with all criminal arrests, no prosecution would take place.
Any arrest would require substantial proof and the victim would have to have made a reasonable effort to know the truth
“People will fabricate they were raped after the fact because they simply want to damage the innocent person who’s dumped them.”
Fabrication can take place in any claim of wrong-doing. We don’t fail to enforce criminal law because people can misuse it. That’s what judges and juries are for; determining whether sufficient proof exists to pronounce the offender guilty. There are so many reasons why people don’t immediately come forward after a rape that it would take up an entire post. But when they do come forward, they need proof in order to press charges. A non-supported case of “he said, she said” would not be prosecuted, even though any act of swindling someone out of sex is a violation.
Significant proof is required when prosecuting any claim in every case. Sexual Assault by Fraud is no different.
“Violent rape is the only real rape.”
Our laws have long recognized that a violent assault against a victim’s sex organs is more heinous than other types of violent assault. If the offender used violence to break our arm, we would not call that rape. We recognize that there is something uniquely different about sexually violating a person. And there is nothing that can compare to the heinousness of violent rape.
But violence is one means to rape a victim. Our laws have also acknowledged that penetration of a person’s sex organs without their consent is “rape,” Date rape and statutory rape are good examples.They are forms of rape in which violence need not be present. The It’sOnUs Pledge states specifically, “Non-consensual sex is sexual assault.”
When the offender uses fraud to vitiate “knowing consent,” by any means, they are aware they are doing so, even though the victim is not. In all acts of rape, it is the actions of the actor that is the crime.
The tools by which an offender will sexually violate a victim include: violence, dope, intoxication, coercion, sex with someone under the age of consent or too mentally incapacitated to consent, and fraud, (dupllicity/deceit.)
Every means of vitiating a victim’s right to self determination to penetrate their sex organs is rape.
Why will people will continue to object?
With all of the reasons behind adoption of sexual assault by fraud law, some people will continue to oppose it. Any change in society’s “norms” takes getting used to. Often, those changes are initially met with disbelief and even ridicule. We’re seeing that in the outlandish comments people make. But there are other reasons many will continue to object. Here are a few……
1. They didn’t read or understand the law.
2. The media continues to stir up hysteria by incorrectly stating fictitious cases such as “the speed of my Lamborghini, blah, blah,” or “I’m Brad Pitt’s best friend.”
2. There are people who fail to appreciate and acknowledge that every human being’s body is sacrosanct. It’s a good idea to stay away from people who fail to do so. They’d have very little respect for your sexual autonomy,
3. Media’s portrayal of sex, and its constant bombardment of sexual imagery, creates the concept that sex is a prize, reward or entitlement. Sex has been depersonalized. It’s become a commodity. But sex is not a “thing”, and sexual sanctity is every person’s inherent right.
4. Adopting new legislation is up to legislators who count on making popular decisions to remain in office. And some legislators, judges, police officers and others, who pass or uphold the laws, can be just as guilty of rape by fraud as anyone else. An inability to grasp the criminality of rape by fraud tells us a great deal about that person.
6. The mindset that enables an offender to commit rape by fraud is a selfish, narcissistic perspective; one that puts individual desire above respect for another human being’s self determination. Doing so indicates their ability to devalue a victim for their own personal greed. People who object are supporting society’s continued acceptance of sexually deviant behavior. What does that say about that individual?
Let’s have a frank and open discussion
Anyone wishing to state an objection to sexual assault by fraud law can leave a comment here, and I’ll be happy to respond. Folks who’d like to lend their support are welcome to join in. Please address the issue in a respectful fashion. Hurling insults, foul language, personal attacks or other negative responses will result in removal of the comment.
Socrates, known as one of the greatest philosophers in Greek history, was executed for his beliefs in justice and the pursuit of goodness. He opposed prevailing concepts such as “might makes right.” His teachings and politics were so foreign to the mores of the time, he was executed for corrupting the minds of Athens’ youth.
Back then, Greek laws considered “rape” a crime only when the victim was a female citizen in good standing. Sexual brutality toward a slave or a man was irrelevant. And the victim had to be a virgin. Rape was punished consistent with patricide, the murder of one’s father. The injustice was thought to occur to the head of the household, who owned her virginity, not the person who’d been defiled.
Our laws struggled forward from this egregious starting point. Centuries later, here in the US, each state created its own band-aide solutions as society’s morality shifted, with no consistent, state-to-state definition on what actually constitutes a sexual assault.
Ownership of sexual intercourse shifted from father to husband in the colonial US. Wives who were promiscuous were punished for adultery or fornication. But modern society no longer considers sex to be the property of a husband. Rather, our rape penal codes consider the sexual sanctity of each individual to be theirs and theirs alone.
Clearly, today’s ItsOnUs Pledge endorsed by President Obama, states the concept society recognizes as “rape”:
“Non-consensual sex is sexual assault!”
Socrates identified the harm in rape by fraud. He decried violent rape as a villainous act. He pointed to what he called “sex by persuasion,” as especially compelling because it:
“undermines the character of the victim.”
In our current era, hardly a soul would consider committing violent rape as anything but a heinous act. But yet much of society fails to acknowledge the insidious harm committed by defrauding a victim of sex. Socrates had it right; sexual assault by fraud, (his persuasion,) undermines the character of the victim!
Just as in any other form of sexual assault, rape by fraud strips away integrity and personal autonomy from the victim. And it does so by misusing the victim’s own self determination to harm them. It leaves them feeling culpable in their own defilement. The sense of disgust at oneself for falling prey to sexual intrusion creates oppressive feelings of vulnerability, serious depression…. and even suicide. Victims struggle with the thought that they can and will never feel safe again.
But are victims of rape by fraud culpable?
Not more so than any other victim who is defrauded of any other asset. In all cases of fraud the perpetrator:
Knows they are lying,
Intends for the victim to rely on the lie.
The victim relies on the lie.
The offender makes off with the victim’s valuables.
Fraud is a tool that offenders use to acquire what the victim would not otherwise give them. It is an unscrupulous act to deprive a person by manipulating their self-determination. The only difference between sexually assaulting a person by fraud, or stealing other assets, is the bounty the offender criminally usurps. And when that bounty is access to their most intimate, sexual core, the crime is rape.
Justice restores righteousness and integrity to victims
Marcus Tullius Cicero, ancient Greece’s most prominent orator, stated;
“Nothing that lacks justice can be morally right.”
Like Socrates, he was executed for his beliefs. For centuries, society has downplayed sexual sanctity by jerry-rigging peculiar constructs into laws that fail to give bodily integrity its due.
Considering the price the victim pays for this gross oversight, justice is a moral imperative!
Without laws to prevent this reckless and intentional act of sexual depravity, offenses will continue unabated, and countless victims will suffer. Rape by fraud legislation will prevent this moral black hole from quietly sucking society into its vortex. It will do so by recognizing every person’s right to protection from unscrupulous sexual acts against their body.
A million gadflies are needed!
Socrates was known as a “gadfly,” the fly that stings the horse into action for his attempts to set Athens on a path toward justice. I sincerely hope you’ll join me in becoming a gadfly to promote passage of sexual assault by fraud laws throughout the US, enabling justice to reach victims who suffer from this debilitating, insidious crime.
I receive complaints each and every day about internet dating scams. These stories break my heart. They’re tales of love-bombing and betrayal. Some involve sex addicts. Others hide marriages or money fraud. And my first inclination is to recommend people stay away from dating sites.
MSNBC conducted a survey that calculated 30% of e-dating participants were married. The number was higher for men than women. But the Oasis Singles Blog indicates that 30% of the dating pool, in general, is covering up existing marriages. So if the ratios match, e-dating at least, provides access.
The trick is to use e-dating wisely and be on the watch for hazard signs.
Free sites are apt to contain more scammers than paid resources for obvious reasons. The greater the disclosure and security provided by the site, the more likely they are to eliminate con artists.
If you constantly reach voice mail, rather than securing direct contact, or if their written responses are delayed, your match may be waiting for their wife or business colleagues to get out of the way.
Are they speaking in a hushed tone or only texting late at night? Their spouse could be right alongside them when they do.
Are they making miraculous recoveries from illness? Telling you they’re sick one day, and then appearing perfectly fine the next, could signal they lied to hide their whereabouts.
No photo on the site? When people want to send you their photo privately, rather than place it online, it could signal that they don’t want to be found out by a spouse. Let them know they need to post their picture, not send it to you directly.
Weight, height and age are the most frequently incorrect statements on dating profiles. If it’s important to you, don’t take their word for granted.
If they never take you home or identify where they live, it’s a tip-off that they’re hiding a spouse.
Someone who is really into you would love to show you off to their family. Failure to do so could easily indicate a problem. Con artists will denigrate their family relationships. They’ll even feign that they’re dead. If you don’t meet the family, be very cautious!
Avoid e-dating services that market people as wealthy or millionaires. No one who is wealthy wants to be punked by a Gold Digger. Their interest is not served by attracting you to their affluence, so why would they?
Always Photo ID a person you meet through on-line dating!
I know it sounds intrusive, and it is! But you are taking risks in diving into the dating pool, and so are they. Rather than springing your request to ID them on your first date, let them know ahead of time that you expect to exchange IDs when you meet. Their resistance is a good indication that they’re not on the level.
Often people who were victimized by an emotional predator wonder how or why they’ll ever love again. “It’s just too dangerous,” and “I won’t survive another emotion bashing episode,” are common statements. Victims often isolate themselves from romantic interaction. For them, “being alone is better than being harmed.”
If this is your mindset, you’ve come to the right place. But prepare to hear some things about yourself, as well as some changes you need to make.
YOU did nothing wrong. You were targeted by a predator because you have the capacity to forgive and love. The problem is that the person you choose was an exploiter, not a lover. And they selected you because they grasped that they could manipulate you through your devotion to them.
Some people are incapable of bonding and loving. You need to avoid them. In order to do so, you will have to ditch your attraction to the superficial appeal we know as “charm,” and look more deeply into a person’s character. And you need to note whether their character repeats in all the corners of their life.
Just as people without emotional empathy will never develop it, people with emotional empathy will never lose it. It’s part of their wiring. Sometimes we confuse being “sensitive” with having “emotional empathy,” which is the key to conscience and morality. But they are not the same.
Anyone can be sensitive about their own condition. They can express heartfelt need for what they want. They can dupe you into feeling sorry for them over their past. But that’s still not “emotional empathy.” A person with “emotional empathy” will automatically have a knee-jerk reaction to the pain someone else experiences. They will put themselves in the other person’s shoes and be guided by their conscience.
Instant attraction only means that the object of your affection stirs your brain chemistry. It does not mean that they are a caring, wonderful human being. Being swept off your feet can readily lead to emotional trauma rather than the lasting, durable relationship you want. So here are a few “don’ts” about finding someone to love:
Don’t take anything you read on internet dating sites as gospel.
Everyone there is expressing the image they’d like to portray. But without verification, there could be countless lies behind their profile. Check IDs and Google anyone you meet online, no matter how badly they protest.
Don’t have sex with anyone until you’ve been introduced to their family and friends.
What’s the rush…. really? A meaningful relationship takes time and commitment. Afraid you’ll lose them if you don’t have sex with them? Guess what. That’s a person worth losing!
If you don’t live in the same town with their family, you can establish a connection through Skype or other resources. How does your love interest communicate with family? However it is, it should include you if they’re committed to making you a permanent part of their life. If they don’t communicate regularly with their family, it’s a very large, vigorously waving, red-flag.
Don’t believe that a man over 45 or a woman over 35 has NO children.
Unless they have a physical condition that prevents procreation, the statistical likelihood that they have no children is a rarity. If they have yet to introduce you to their children, they could be hiding a seriously checkered past.
Don’t look for “love” on dating sites that depict people as “wealthy” or “millionaires.”
Most people with assets want protection from “Gold-Diggers” and will not flaunt this aspect of their identity. Why would anyone try to attract a person who prioritizes their interest in finding “wealth?” Emotional predators lurk on these sites because the participants are tipping them off about what floats their boats. It gives them ammunition to produce an elaborate scam to snag you.
Don’t believe what people tell you about their “ex.”
You’re receiving that information through a very biased prism, one that is sure to make them look like the victim, not the offender. Even if they admit to infidelity, what does that tell you? It should alert you that they can justify betrayal, and YOU will be the recipient this time around.
So what’s a safer way to find true love?
First off, you need to feel that you’re okay without a relationship. You can stand on your own two feet and live a fulfilling, meaningful life. You can find joy in the activities and relationships you treasure. Allowing a person inside your inner circle is an intimacy you bestow on them.
Mankind was built to “couple.” We feel our best when we can express love and support for another human being. So inevitably, our interest in finding a significant other will resurface. Some “do’s” about engaging in romance once again are ..…
“Do” things that make your life worthwhile.
Enjoying your interests will bring you into the path of others who appreciate the same things. Whether it’s religion, art, cooking, the environment, sports, dancing, boating, etc., participate in groups that put you in the company of people who share your preferences.
Do look carefully at how they interact with others, not just you.
Do they “objectify” the people around them, the waiter, the valet, the clerk at the store? Or do they treat everyone with respect and appreciation?
Do they have a history of good-intentions?
It’s easy for wealthy people to give money to causes. It provides them with tax benefits. But do they give their time and pass along help and support when it’s needed? Have they been preoccupied with making money all their lives, or have they stopped along the way to make the world a better place?
Do evaluate what is truly important to you.
Sometimes, in looking at what attracted you to a predator, you’ll see you may have placed importance on superficial value. If you continue to put your interests in the wrong place, you’ll find the wrong person once again. You’ll need to readjust your priorities.
Albert Einstein coined two very relevant phrases that apply to finding new love after a predatory relationship:
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new
So, forgive yourself for the choice you made. Recognize that you need to be far more circumspect in your future decisions… not because you were ‘wrong” but because character disordered people share our planet. Your mother never told you because she didn’t know. Mine put up with my abusive father for many decades. So, like me, you learned the hard way. Go forward, not backward with that knowledge.
While I’m quoting Einstein, there’s one more of his phrases that guides me in my efforts to enlighten people about rape by fraud and recover from it:
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.
First- we need to examine what a psychopath actually is…
According to Dr. Robert Hare in his highly acclaimed book, Without Conscience, not all psychopaths are the blood-thirsty ghouls we expect them to be. They don’t conduct themselves in ways that are obvious, like breathing fire out of their arm-pits. While they are evil at their core, for the most part, there are no blatant, tell-tale, physical signs.
I’ve heard people say they can tell a psychopath by their stare. But in the exposure I’ve had to individuals I believe are psychopathic, there was no fixed gaze to give them away.
Simply put, a psychopath is a person with the character disorder in which they lack emotional empathy, and therefore, they don’t develop a conscience. As a result, they can commit harmful acts against others with no degree of caring, concern, or remorse.
The Hare Psychopathy Checklist measures their level of harmfullness. But just because they don’t score at the top of the range, does not mean they’re not a psychopath.
Upbringing, not conscience, can deter them from ghoulish behavior. A character disordered child who is abused is more likely to become a heinous deviant than one who is raised in a more supportive environment. A child from an otherwise normal upbringing, is more likely to become a white-collar criminal who lies and cheats, rather than one who conducts unspeakable violence.
Psychopaths often go undetected because their early family life provided them sufficient knowledge about societal expectations to enable them to fit-in. But they are not guided by morality, virtue, or concern for their fellow man. Instead, they are only reigned-in by their fear of discovery or consequences.
How did they get that way?
Since prison settings provide access to a seemingly large volume of psychopaths, their populations are often the subjects for research. But this approach gives us a skewed sense of the frequency of encountering psychopaths in our daily lives.
The rough estimate of the ratio of psychopaths is approximately 4% of the population. But they conduct themselves in a serial fashion and; therefore, harm far more than 4% of mankind.
Modern mental health professionals suspect a genetic link to a pre-disposition to psychopathy. Its existence does not equate to every child of a psychopath becoming a psychopath. Rather, the child of a psychopath is “at-risk” for becoming a psychopath.
What passes along in DNA?
Our brain chemistry makes mankind trusting and caring. The principal neurotransmitter that serves as a foundation for conscience is thought to be, (according to Dr. Paul Zak in The Moral Molecule,) oxytocin. Our genes control our levels of oxytocin and our reaction to it can be shaped through early childhood development.
With normally functioning oxytocin receptors, we experience early bonding and develop emotional empathy, the knee-jerk reaction to the welfare of others. Without oxytocin, or with early developed negativity toward oxytocin, our ability to bond and feel concern for another person’s welfare becomes compromised.
How can we tell whether our child has empathy or not?
If your six year old or older child:
is indifferent to the pain or problems another person exhibits, including their siblings, or you,
throws tantrums when they don’t get their way
puts the safety of others or animals at risk,
is a bully,
is continuously bullied,
exhibits oppositional/defiant behavior
is excessively impulsive,
has a love affair with weapons
commits bodily harm against themselves or others
…..they may be showing early signs of character disorder.
Mental health professionals don’t label children “psychopathic.” Instead, they use the terms, “conduct disorder,” “behavior disorder,” or “emotionally disturbed.” Any of these diagnoses could signal development into character disorder as an adult.
What can I do to correct the problem?
Look seriously at the signs you see from your toddler. Don’t overlook them! They are unlikely to go away on their own! At this stage, you could make a difference.
Are they responsive to cuddling, caring and warmth? Are your attempts at boundary setting conveying love or making them fearful?
According to Dr. Liane Leedom in her ground-breaking book, Just Like His Father, children who are at-risk of becoming psychopaths need an extremely nurturing environment with significant levels of parental warmth. Devote time laughing and being joyous with your at-risk child. Keep as much acrimony from affecting them as possible, and try to reduce the level of stress in your home environment. Abandonment of an at-risk child, by either parent, can have a devastating affect on their development.
If your child reaches the age of six, and their morality is stuck at self-centered, get professional help for them. Involve them in activities that promote sharing and caring like volunteering, helping others, and by providing religious supports. If you are single, spend time with couples who embody cooperation, respect and a loving relationship.
When will I know the results?
Most parents find the teen years trying. But even teenagers will express respect for their parents. Character disordered kids will believe that rules are made to be broken. Teenaged impulsivity can take the form of drugs or alcohol abuse, fighting, truancy, promiscuity and juvenile delinquency. Usually, by their mid twenties, with independence, permanent character becomes obvious.
Your child’s development into psychopathy is impacted by genetics and experiences that can be totally out of your control. But knowing that a child is at-risk, understanding the genetic link to the disorder, can help you create the most supportive environment to deter them from violence. Nothing will impart a conscience to a psychopath.
If you are the unfortunate parent of a character disordered son or daughter, hopefully, you can find peace in knowing you did the best you could with the resources and knowledge you had at the time.
Mankind is noted for having three differing types of empathy: cognitive, emotional and compassionate. But there are significant problems that take place when a person has too much or too little of any specific kind.
Cognitive Empathy- Sensing what’s going on with the people around us
Cognitive empathy enables us to perceive what’s going on with the next person. But just because you know what they are experiencing, and what motivates them, does not mean you’ll exhibit caring or be able to put yourself in their shoes. In fact, it may do just the opposite.
Strong cognitive empathy is the tool that torturers rely on to shake a prisoner down for information. They can detach completely from any sense of pathos toward their victim. People who have high levels of cognitive empathy make great politicians and sales people. When cognitive empathy is accompanied by emotional empathy, it’s a good thing.
Sociopaths that conduct emotional harm are intuitive about the needs and wants of their target. They’ll use cognitive clues to position themselves for acceptance, just like a chameleon changes colors. The problem is, they lack the emotional empathy that reigns-in their self-interest. Most people who recover from relationships with sociopaths think back on them as “reptilians” for good reason. There is a distinct cold-bloodiness in the way they operate.
Having cognitive empathy and no conscience enables swindlers to come up with asset grabs. Bernie Madoff pops to mind as a good example. We often think of con artists as people who try to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to an unsuspecting victim.
Emotional Empathy- The knee-jerk reaction to the perils that others experience
Emotional empathy enables us to embrace the feelings of others as if we were sharing their experience. When your heart pops into your mouth as someone falls off their chair, you are experiencing emotional empathy. People with appropriate levels of emotional empathy go through life thinking that everyone has it…. until they crash headfirst into the path of someone who does not. Their efforts to try to convey their experience to others is often met with disbelief, which makes the victim feel even more violated and isolated.
A person with high levels of emotional empathy could be hamstrung from benefiting the person with a problem because they may get too emotional to react in a positive way. That’s where compassionate empathy kicks in.
Compassionate Empathy- How we make a difference in the lives of others
Through compassionate empathy, we can use our emotional empathy to produce a meaningful result. A person with a well balanced level of compassionate empathy would come to the aid of the individual who fell, calling 911 if needed, or problem solving to determine what the situation warrants. People with compassionate empathy will appear outwardly cool in a pinch, even while feeling significant concern for the person who’s in danger. While they might fall apart after the crisis ends, they remain sufficiently detached to provide help when it’s needed.
The risk of compassionate empathy in dating
Having compassionate empathy puts people at risk for becoming victims, particularly in internet dating scams. The actor grooms their target with an overabundance of loving gestures to fuel their sense of belonging and build trust. The offender will jiggle the hook with a small bait-like request for a token “favor.” They may even provide reciprocal favors in return, grooming the victim further.
Ultimately, when they believe the victim is sufficiently snagged, they’ll spring a mega-request, and it’s usually about money, sex, or immigration related. It’s often couched in language that makes the request seem like an emergency. Targets that fail to produce the desired result get hit with a scathing attack aimed at crushing their self esteem. They are often too embarrassed and devastated to immediately seek help. They are stunned by the cessation of love they had counted on. Before they regain their equilibrium, the predator is long gone. and probably bad mouthing them to their next victim.
How empathy factors in our relationships
Emotional empathy is absolutely necessary in sustaining a loving relationship. Without it, a person is only capable of engaging with others on a “What’s in it for me?” basis. While they may pretend to be caring, because they know it’s socially acceptable to do so, their self-centered way of looking at the universe will ultimately surface. There will be no “agreeing to disagree” in order to make peace, a negotiation skill that is vital in order to sustain a relationship when acrimony occurs, as it does in any human interaction.
A mate with no emotional empathy cannot and will not put themselves in your shoes. They simply lack the ability to do so. And without this ability, they cannot develop a conscience. The only limits to their behavior stem from fear of being “outed,” and fear of loss or consequences.
No amount of bargaining, acquiescing, pleading, explaining, or cajoling will change their mindset. It is the way they are wired. Once a person advances past the life stage in which their moral code of conduct forms, they are who they are, and YOU will not change them.
How do you know if you’re dating a sociopath?
Someone who lies to you, in order to seduce you, has little or no emotional empathy. They do not put themselves in your shoes. They see you as a prize, an entitlement, a piece of property, but not as the living, breathing, caring human being that you are. If they were dishonest in their on-line dating description, or other information they initially fed you, they have no conscience. They are self indulgent.
The derisive manipulation of a person without emotional empathy will undermine your well-being. Even if the relationship remains intact, the victim’s self esteem will be shredded. So if you are experiencing loss of worth or other abuse, get help, today!
If you are with someone who displays a lack of emotional empathy toward others, it’s a sign of their real, underlying nature.
But, isn’t there a cure? Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? I felt so loved!
Sociopaths are people who lack emotional empathy. That is how their brain works. They are not sick. They are disordered. They know the difference between right and wrong. They just don’t care. They will not get better, but the longer you endure their behavior, the worse your situation will become.
They played with your brain chemistry to hook you. Find someone who loves you for you, not for your assets or other services you provide for them. Get out before giving birth to their child or financial complications get in the way.
A lucky example of collective compassionate empathy!
All of you with emotional empathy will be happy to know that the group of onlookers in the title photo rushed to the aid of the little boy who dangled from his fathers hands. He plunged 25 feet into their waiting arms, and skied the rest of the day. Thanks to Matt Roeser who had his camera at the ready to snap this awesome testament to compassionate empathy at Hidden Valley in Wisconsin.