“Ya think?” is how many folks react when they hear the lame excuse for why people lie to have sex with them. Here’s what that comment really means…..
“I knew if I pretended to be something I wasn’t, you’d have sex with me,” and conversely, “I knew if I told you the truth about myself, you wouldn’t have had sex with me.” Either way it’s expressed, they knew that YOU WOULD NOT HAVE HAD SEX WITH THEM, and they thought fooling you into it was A OK!
But even knowing YOU WOULD NOT CONSENT…. they still don’t think they sexually assaulted you!!
I can’t count all the ridiculous comments I receive from people who think their lies don’t matter.
Just today I heard:
What if I said I had a PhD but I only had a masters? OR if I lied about being in a band? I’ve slept with girls who I later found out had boyfriends. Was I raped?
Is there something wrong with these folks that they don’t understand that lying to have sex with someone is not ok? Really…. I don’t get it! What on earth leads people to believe that defrauding someone of intimacy is not a heinous act?
Here’s what people who lie to get you in bed with them are really doing….
They’re messing with your brain chemistry to manipulate you. They are doing so either to simply have sex with you, or to establish a relationship with you. They’re hoping that once you have sex with them, and the oxytocin that creates bonding kicks in, you’ll be hooked. Even though they may not realize that the coupling compound in your brain has a name, they surely know the result….. a heightened sense of loyalty and trust.
People who try to establish relationships by lying hope that once the addictive quality of romantic love takes hold, you will forgive the lies they told you to continue the “loving” feeling that was established.
What happens, instead, is a relationship of distrust in which the person who is lied to loves and fears the offender at the same time. Yes, they may be addicted to the way their brain feels as a result of the chemistry that was stirred up, but they also know that the person who made them feel that way did so insidiously. Supportive, trusting relationships can only be established on foundations of truth.
Not only did sexual assault by fraud take place, but the victim may become unknowingly embroiled in a love/hate relationship for years to come.