My son contacted me on Thanksgiving
After an absence of eight years, he either decided to taunt me or absurdly thought that leaving me a voicemail message of “I love you” from a blocked phone, would be appreciated. As if that wasn’t painful enough….He followed it up with a text message to let me know he’d never do it again. “It was a mistake.” Then he went on to threaten me with what he’d do to me if I tried to reach out to him, (as if I would or could attempt to scale the heartless obstacles he’s placed between us.)
I’m writing this post because I hope if he sees his behavior in writing, or someone who is close to him sees it, they, or he, will recognize that he needs serious help.
Making a pretense of loving me is an insult. His threat that he won’t do so again at least brings me the peace of knowing that he won’t throw the heartache he causes in my face again.
I neither believe nor hope he will come to grips with reality. It’s far easier for him to live in lies, especially when he can surround himself with people who enable his distortions…. at least ’til they figure him out. Then he splits with them too. Living among people you lie to in order to gain their acceptance must be a very lonely existence. It saddens me to know he lives this way.
Let’s back up!
People who have been victimized in romance scams have a difficult time getting through the holidays. Their memories are full of loss, doubt and sadness. Observing families enjoying their blessings can easily put them in a tail spin. It’s difficult to feel joy when the emotional bonds in your life have been severed.
Romance scams not only effect the victim, but also, the children that result from the hoax. It took me years of soul searching to make peace with the unjust losses in my life, including the impacts on my son.
I was, and am, willing to establish a base of reality with him, preferably through the help of a qualified, professional therapist. But playing his game of pretense, heartache and victimization is in the rear view mirror. Lashing out at me won’t change the fact that he’s the victim of his father’s charade, just like I was. It’s not okay to take anger out on me. I had to deal with it while he was a child. I no longer have an obligation to deal with it.
He’s no longer entitled to the tolerance he discarded. He didn’t appreciate it while he had it. If he wants it back, he’ll have to face the truth and overcome his penchant for abusing me. He has destroyed my trust. My love is unconditional. But trust has to be earned.
The heartbreak of loss
People who are emotionally disturbed may come and go in your life. When you first lose them, you struggle with an unfathomable, unexpected death that wallops you at your very core. When the loss is a spouse or lover, depending on the circumstance, you might feel isolated, violated, betrayed and defiled. When it’s your very own child, it rips away your entire value system. You feel utterly wasted and that your whole life is meaningless.
Mothers don’t expect to lose their children. Losing them at their own hands is inexplicably painful. Until a separation occurs, there is hope. Even that minuscule thread of prayed-for reason dies when a child disappears and cuts off every means to contact them. It is crystal clear they don’t care whether you’re alive or dead. That certainly isn’t love. Even when you know that they are incapable of love, recognizing they don’t love you is excruciating.
Cause and its consequences in the real world
People who say that sexual assault by fraud, that can crush and overwhelm your interest in living and cause you to suffer PTSD, is not a crime, are heartless. It devours its victims, and when children result, its demonic impacts exponentially increase the turmoil.
I wasn’t lucky enough to have an unaffected child. Some people are. But character disorder is largely a function of genetics, and you get what you get. It doesn’t make me not love him, just not want his unloving, disrespectful chaos in my life.
It’s his decision as to whether he contributes chaos or caring to me as his mother. But his conscience toward caring is non existent, like a two year old child who only sees its mother as the solution for its needs and wants, not a living, breathing part of that thing called “family.” I endured this nightmare until he could stand on his own two self-absorbed feet and abdicate every sense of loyalty or caring. A grown son who asks, “Now that I’m independent, what do I need you for,” is void of love.
It takes a man to take responsibility and right his wrongs. Instead he follows the callous, narcissistic example of his father…. no remorse, no amends, just gross disregard for the damage he caused as if he was and is entitled to destroy me.
He’s learned his lessons well
Sociopaths blame you for being a victim. To them, it’s all your fault that they set out to harm you, and never took responsibility for their wrongdoing. You are wrong to expect them to do so. In their eyes, perpetrating an utter fraud to get past your gates is their right. They take whatever they want from whomever they want any way they can get away with. And they misuse their children as a means to inflict greater pain. They never look back. They have no humanity.
Peace at last
Today, I celebrate my survival, my friends, and my joy. God gave me the strength to get through it. And I pay him back by attempting to make a difference in the lives of other victims. I sincerely hope that all those who struggle with loss through the holidays can find joy in appreciating their peace, and comfort from others who care about them.
To my son I say….
I made it very clear to you that if you ever decide you want me in your life, I am willing to work with you, and a therapist, to make that happen. You know how to reach me. I have never absented myself from you. You have always had the means to contact me and you always will. But please do not misuse it again to lie, berate or threaten me. Nothing gives you the right to reach out to me while you deprive me of the right to reach out to you; therefore, do not expect me to answer the phone from a blocked or unidentifiable number. Nor will I listen to a voice message from a blocked number.
Love is verb as well as a noun. Don’t use the word love without the action behind it.