My son contacted me on Thanksgiving
After an absence of eight years, he either decided to taunt me or absurdly thought that leaving me a voicemail message of “I love you” from a blocked phone, would be appreciated. As if that wasn’t painful enough….He followed it up with a text message to let me know he’d never do it again. “It was a mistake.” Then he went on to threaten me with what he’d do to me if I tried to reach out to him, (as if I would or could attempt to scale the heartless obstacles he’s placed between us.)
I’m writing this post because I hope if he sees his behavior in writing, or someone who is close to him sees it, they, or he, will recognize that he needs serious help.
Making a pretense of loving me is an insult. His threat that he won’t do so again at least brings me the peace of knowing that he won’t throw the heartache he causes in my face again.
I neither believe nor hope he will come to grips with reality. It’s far easier for him to live in lies, especially when he can surround himself with people who enable his distortions…. at least ’til they figure him out. Then he splits with them too. Living among people you lie to in order to gain their acceptance must be a very lonely existence. It saddens me to know he lives this way.
Let’s back up!
People who have been victimized in romance scams have a difficult time getting through the holidays. Their memories are full of loss, doubt and sadness. Observing families enjoying their blessings can easily put them in a tail spin. It’s difficult to feel joy when the emotional bonds in your life have been severed.
Romance scams not only effect the victim, but also, the children that result from the hoax. It took me years of soul searching to make peace with the unjust losses in my life, including the impacts on my son.
I was, and am, willing to establish a base of reality with him, preferably through the help of a qualified, professional therapist. But playing his game of pretense, heartache and victimization is in the rear view mirror. Lashing out at me won’t change the fact that he’s the victim of his father’s charade, just like I was. It’s not okay to take anger out on me. I had to deal with it while he was a child. I no longer have an obligation to deal with it.
He’s no longer entitled to the tolerance he discarded. He didn’t appreciate it while he had it. If he wants it back, he’ll have to face the truth and overcome his penchant for abusing me. He has destroyed my trust. My love is unconditional. But trust has to be earned.
The heartbreak of loss
People who are emotionally disturbed may come and go in your life. When you first lose them, you struggle with an unfathomable, unexpected death that wallops you at your very core. When the loss is a spouse or lover, depending on the circumstance, you might feel isolated, violated, betrayed and defiled. When it’s your very own child, it rips away your entire value system. You feel utterly wasted and that your whole life is meaningless.
Mothers don’t expect to lose their children. Losing them at their own hands is inexplicably painful. Until a separation occurs, there is hope. Even that minuscule thread of prayed-for reason dies when a child disappears and cuts off every means to contact them. It is crystal clear they don’t care whether you’re alive or dead. That certainly isn’t love. Even when you know that they are incapable of love, recognizing they don’t love you is excruciating.
Cause and its consequences in the real world
People who say that sexual assault by fraud, that can crush and overwhelm your interest in living and cause you to suffer PTSD, is not a crime, are heartless. It devours its victims, and when children result, its demonic impacts exponentially increase the turmoil.
I wasn’t lucky enough to have an unaffected child. Some people are. But character disorder is largely a function of genetics, and you get what you get. It doesn’t make me not love him, just not want his unloving, disrespectful chaos in my life.
It’s his decision as to whether he contributes chaos or caring to me as his mother. But his conscience toward caring is non existent, like a two year old child who only sees its mother as the solution for its needs and wants, not a living, breathing part of that thing called “family.” I endured this nightmare until he could stand on his own two self-absorbed feet and abdicate every sense of loyalty or caring. A grown son who asks, “Now that I’m independent, what do I need you for,” is void of love.
It takes a man to take responsibility and right his wrongs. Instead he follows the callous, narcissistic example of his father…. no remorse, no amends, just gross disregard for the damage he caused as if he was and is entitled to destroy me.
He’s learned his lessons well
Sociopaths blame you for being a victim. To them, it’s all your fault that they set out to harm you, and never took responsibility for their wrongdoing. You are wrong to expect them to do so. In their eyes, perpetrating an utter fraud to get past your gates is their right. They take whatever they want from whomever they want any way they can get away with. And they misuse their children as a means to inflict greater pain. They never look back. They have no humanity.
Peace at last
Today, I celebrate my survival, my friends, and my joy. God gave me the strength to get through it. And I pay him back by attempting to make a difference in the lives of other victims. I sincerely hope that all those who struggle with loss through the holidays can find joy in appreciating their peace, and comfort from others who care about them.
To my son I say….
I made it very clear to you that if you ever decide you want me in your life, I am willing to work with you, and a therapist, to make that happen. You know how to reach me. I have never absented myself from you. You have always had the means to contact me and you always will. But please do not misuse it again to lie, berate or threaten me. Nothing gives you the right to reach out to me while you deprive me of the right to reach out to you; therefore, do not expect me to answer the phone from a blocked or unidentifiable number. Nor will I listen to a voice message from a blocked number.
Love is verb as well as a noun. Don’t use the word love without the action behind it.
13 thoughts on “Holiday Struggles- Lament and Loss”
i read it some where that even if the ancestors i.e. grandparents have Cluster B, one can still have a Cluster B child even though neither parents of the child are Cluster B.
Did you see the youtube video about a Psychiatrist mother’s though struggle with her Cluster B son.
I dont date Cluster Bs anymore, i had too many of them before.
I’m not pregnant either.
Thank you for writing your heart out. We are out there reading your pain & sharing it with you. Also learning so much from your writings.
Happy New Year to All
By the way, I love the “Love is an action, not a word”
You raised an interesting point. I think it’s pretty unlikely that a person could have no one in their ancestry who had Cluster B genes. I don’t think there are any studies that could determine from how far back in generations that risk could pass along.
I didn’t see the YouTube video you mentioned. If you recall where it was, I’d love to watch it.
i tried to find the Documentary on youtube all evening & I couldn’t. It will take me some time, as soon as I find it , I will let you know.
Huge thanks for trying!
There is a difference between a sociopath not apologizing and blaming his victim and choosing to stay in your victim mentality as you do. My interaction with my sociopath is just a couple years old and I choose to not continue to let it affect my life. I have to wonder if the constant focus and bitterness about your sons father isn’t a good bit of what keeps him away. I have two teen sons with some mental health issues and I understand the need to set boundaries. I also know there could come a day where I have to make a choice not to have one of them in my daily life because of their choices. However, it sounds like a lose-lose situation for your son when he extends an small olive branch and you publicly bash what he offered. And you choose to continue to feel a victim all these years later and let it color your holidays. I wish you to find peace some day, but that will take making different choices in your thinking.
Where do I start…
I get the impression your sociopath did not father your children, and the period of time you spent together was brief. If you read my book, Carnal Abuse by Deceit, you would see that we endured vastly different circumstances. One would think you’d at least give me the courtesy of reading the book before you make judgments about how I should or should not feel. It’s obvious that you haven’t.
My ex sexually assaulted me for 3.5 years. He caused me complex PTSD by using coercive control during reproduction… not just once, but twice. He spent the next 24 years destroying my finances. Hooray for the internet. With far greater research capability at your fingertips, such financial disasters are more difficult to commit than they used to be. The financial impacts of his behavior don’t simply disappear.
Children are a responsibility, not just for one parent, but for both. And when one parent fails to address their responsibilities, their job falls squarely on the shoulders of the other parent. He is the father of my son. And I am still the mother of my son. I’m not invisible. I still live every day of my life in conditions he diminished by his actions.
He is the boy-toy of one of the richest women on the planet, Susan Aberbach, the publisher of Elvis Presley and so many other music legends it’s just too numerous to mention. In order to fornicate with my husband, (at the time,) Susan Aberbach helped him live completely off the grid, showing no income whatsoever, and thereby demolishing my finances. Both his income and whereabouts was untraceable. The cost of supporting his child would not have put a dent in their living conditions. Their behavior was utterly vicious and hostile.
Despite his father’s attempts to impoverish my child and I, my son never knew a moment of hunger, never gave a thought to whether he’d have suitable clothes to wear or ever wondered whether he’d have a warm bed to sleep in, because I took care of every single one of his needs, while his non-supporting father lived in a 22 room, duplex mansion with 6 bathrooms, overlooking the Metropolitan Museum of Art and Central Park, and lied to the courts about his finances and living accommodations. When I learned the truth, the cost of legally going after him was too outrageous for me to afford and there were time limitations on taking legal action. It’s a good thing for them that I’m not a violent person.
And here’s the other permanent change he made in my life…… Abandoning children who are at-risk of being emotionally disturbed, because they have a character disordered parent, can cause them to have Borderline Personality Disorder.
You underestimate my love for my son and the herculean effort it took to make peace with his absence. It’s not okay for him to stir that pot whenever he chooses. Everyday, for as long as he lived in my house, my son never left home without hearing the words, “I love you,” as he walked out the door. He does not get to say that to me when he fails to provide the means by which I can respond. This rift is his choice, not mine. He does not get to drop by while refusing me the same privilege.
My son has a disorder. He needs appropriate therapy. He’s not getting it. I wrote this post in the offhand chance that he might actually read it and recognize that he needs appropriate help and that there are meaningful steps he can take to ameliorate the problem. I will never give up on him. I love him with all my heart.
I cannot escape either the financial devastation or harm my ex, aided by a greedy, immoral woman, caused my son and I. Pretending he didn’t is absurd. No therapist worth their salt would ever try to convince someone to forget the disaster they endured, but put it in a place where it doesn’t disturb their day-to-day life. I’ve succeeded in doing so. When my son decides to lob a sugar coated grenade at me is the only time I give his father any thought at all. Recognizing his behavior does not keep me his victim, quite the opposite. It enables me to survive the heartbreak my son causes me. I deal with the reality of the circumstance and forgive him.
When you have no children and find out you’re with a sociopath, you can walk away. Yes, it’s extremely painful. Your hopes are dashed. Depending on your values, your level of emotional empathy, and other factors, you could suffer PTSD and a terrible sense of defilement. But there is nothing permanently attaching you to continued harm. When you have a child by that man, you are affected by him for the rest of your life. And the impacts on your child can cause even greater turmoil.
One last thing… If you truly think having a rift with a child you treasure doesn’t “color your holidays,” I’d seriously question your level of emotional empathy and ability to bond. But your comment that you’d deliberately withdraw from your child already tipped me off about your level of bonding.
How invalidating can you get?
You have some short spin around the park with a guy who harms you, and you think that the pain created by a man who fathers a child through deceit can be erased by thinking different thoughts? Joyce is right. Putting it in a place where you can go forward with your life, not denial, is the best approach. Obviously, his kid refuses to face the truth and is making his mother the villain. Double whammy!
Joyce has set a benchmark in being a survivor. She not only understands what and how it happened, she helps open society’s eyes, and at great expense to her personal comfort or have you not seen the negative stuff that comes back at her. I marvel at her resilience in dealing with it! There are very few women who faced this circumstance that have put themselves out there as bravely as she has in order to make a difference in the lives of victims of sociopath abuse.
90% of what you read on other related blogs, you see here first. She is an innovator and a hero for many people.
Thank you, Anon-
I truly appreciate your kind words of support!
This blog certainly gives us all an insight into what it is to be a victim.my heart goes out to you joyce,even before I read this blog I could feel a sense of emotional turmoil and struggle .I am inspired by your courage and I feel the pain whenever I talk to you and certainly feel you are a woman of a very strong will.I admire you and the ease with which you write your inner core feelings and emotions .will always admire you.
Thanks for the encouragement Jyoti! Wishing you the best for the holidays and throughout the new year!
Thanks Joyce! Happy Holidays
it was very touching.
Having a Psycho child is my biggest fear after dating another Psycho.
Happy holidays to you as well.
Modern mental health professionals are coming down heavily on the side of nature vs. nurture. There are influences that impact a child in their developmental years, but if they don’t have the genetic framework for psychopathy, it’s likely that your child will be okay.
Are you concerned that you may be pregnant with the child of the person you were dating?
If that’s not the case, it’s a good idea to read up on and recognize the signs of Cluster B personality disorders so you can steer clear of people who are affected.
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