I received the following message from a very intelligent Blue Grass State resident (with a PhD.) We’ll call her Pamela. She discovered she was hitched to a narcissist after a 40 year marriage that produced four children.
People often ask me how long a narcissist can keep up their charade. Her story underscores my response….. As long as they get what they want!
Here’s her note:
After four children, my ex divorced me and filed for a Catholic annulment on the grounds that he entered marriage to have sin-free sex but expected to stay in the marriage for no more than five years. According to him, he never admitted that thought process to anyone, not even a priest, until he filed for divorce over 40 years later!
The shock of divorce was nothing compared to the feeling I got when reading the 19 page, single-spaced annulment document describing how he got married because he was spending too much time confessing sexual sins that had nothing to do with intercourse! He stated that he had strong sexual desires but only expected to stay married to me for maybe five years. He then described his disappointment that I practiced birth control and thus prevented him from fathering more children. What initiated him to leave when he did was not explained, other than he needed a Catholic wife.
My now adult children laughed and told me it was an elaborate lie that was devised to allow him to remarry in the Catholic Church. In one conversation I had with him, and in emails he has sent, my ex is adamant that he only married to have sex. An annulment was granted on the grounds that he had a narcissistic personality disorder.
I filed an appeal that is under review. It is unfortunate that the Catholic church keeps everything private because his statements could definitely fall under the description of fraud, deceit and rape by fraud. I am at the point in my life where I should be thinking about retiring and enjoying my children and grandchildren, not working. Instead, I am heartbroken to hear that my children interact with my ex. I am also having difficulty trusting anyone.
I have felt like a victim of rape for several months but was reluctant to mention that to anyone other than a close friend. However, a few days ago I performed a Google search and pulled up your website.
As you can likely surmise, I’m not Catholic and my appeal was an attempt to prevent him from doing the same thing to someone else. Unfortunately, that didn’t work. He remarried a few months ago…. on my birthday!
Much of society dismisses the destruction that rape by fraud creates. Pamela’s entire value system was stripped from her by learning that the intimacies she’d experienced with her ex, and the deep abiding love she thought they shared over their entire 40 year marriage, was a sham. She’d been a pawn, not the loved being she thought she was. It’s little wonder she feels devalued, defiled, disrespected, and is having trouble with trust issues.
If her children were caring, they would validate her pain and recognize the nightmare she endured. They could also research Narcissistic Victim Syndrome in order to understand her feelings.
Like Pam, Kentucky’s romance scam victims have plenty to be blue about!
Kentucky’s penal code goes to great lengths to express a variety of forms of illegal sexual conduct but totally misses the core issue… the actual meaning of consent. It’s laws could easily be corrected by passing legislation to state that CONSENT is freely given, knowledgeable and informed agreement, FGK&IA!
|Code Section||Kentucky Revised Statutes section 510.040 – 510.060: Rape|
|What’s Prohibited?||First-Degree Rape:
Second-Degree Rape: Being 18 years old or older and having sexual intercourse with someone who is less than 14 years old, or who is mentally incapacitated.
Third-Degree Rape: Having sexual intercourse with someone in one of the following situations:
|Penalties||First-Degree Rape: Class B felony.
Second-Degree Rape: Class C felony.
Third-Degree Rape: Class D felony.
Sexually touching someone in an unwanted or offensive way generally constitutes sexual assault. In Kentucky, this crime is called “sexual abuse” and it is divided into three separate crimes depending on the circumstances surrounding the act.
First-Degree Sexual Abuse:
- Subjecting another person to sexual contact by forcible compulsion
- Engaging in sexual contact with someone who is incapable of consenting either because they are physically helpless, less than 12 years old, or mentally incapacitated
- Offender is 21 years old or older and the victim is less than 16 and the victim is subjected to sexual contact, the offender masturbates in the victim’s presence, or the offender masturbates while the victim can see or hear him or her via electronic means, or
- Offender is in a position of authority or a position of special trust (defined insection 532.045), and subjects a victim under 18 years old to engage in sexual contact or masturbates in the presence of the minor (either in person or via electronic means)
First-degree sexual abuse is a class D felony, and is punishable by imprisonment for between one and five years. However, if the victim is less than 12 years old, then the offense is a class C felony and is punishable by imprisonment for between five and ten years.
Second-Degree Sexual Abuse
- Subjecting another person to sexual contact who isn’t capable of consenting due to an intellectual disability
- Offender is between 18 and 21 years old and subjects a victim, who is less than 16 years old, to sexual contact
- Offender works for the Department of Corrections and is at least 18 years old and subjects someone (who they know is incarcerated) to sexual contact
Second-degree sexual abuse is a class A misdemeanor and is punishable by up to 12 months in jail.
Third-Degree Sexual Abuse: Subjecting another person to sexual contact without the victim’s consent. Third-degree sexual abuse is a class B misdemeanor and is punishable by up to 90 days in jail.
Present Consent Explanation
Under Kentucky’s rape and sexual assault laws, the victim must not have consented to the sexual contact. It is important to note that a lack of consent can result from:
- Forcible compulsion
- Incapacity to consent, or
- (If the charge is for sexual abuse) Any situation in which the victim doesn’t acquiesce (either expressly or impliedly) to the offender’s conduct
Additionally, the following categories of people are legally incapable of giving consent in Kentucky:
- Under 16 years old
- Individuals with an intellectual disability or a mental illness
- Mentally incapacitated
- Physically helpless, or
- People under the care or custody of a state or local agency due to a court order (and the offender is employed by the state or local agency)
State laws change frequently. For case specific information regarding Kentucky’s rape and sexual assault laws contact a local sex crime attorney.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of a sex crime in Kentucky, you can reach out for help to the Kentucky Association of Sexual Assault Programs website.
Want more information about this crime? Read Combating Romance Scams, Why Lying to Get Laid Is a Crime!