Why write?
Writing often gives us the clarity we need to put pain behind us.
Writing can help release us from our ruminating thoughts. We’re better able to let go, once we’ve created a permanent record that we can return to, at any time, without keeping the pain ever present in our mind.
Lastly, your story can help others in a similar circumstance recover their dignity by knowing they are not alone.
Basic Guidelines
- You MUST change the name of the offender. The only names we permit are offenders who have been convicted, therefore, their names and information about their offenses appear in public domain.
- Complete the following form. Your personal information will not be available to anyone.
- Enter your tale in the “Comment” section or email it to Info@consentawareness.net.
Links to Survivor TALES:
Laurie’s Tale- Invalidation and Shame in Sex Crimes
Deb’s Story– The classic bigamist
Kaitlin’s Story- Catfish, Sociopath or Scammer?
Lauren’s Story– Romantic dream boat
Susi’s Story– A new twist on finding a cheap international hotel
Suki’s Story- Lack of emotional empathy = shallow, superficial emotions
Joyce-
What you are saying is so true and so important for society to hear!
I was caught in what you described as a betrayal bond when my fiance’s truth came out. He was so different than the man I thought he was, but I was stuck like glue. We are divorcing now, after 2 years of hell! I can’t believe I knew he was a liar a month before we got married, and I still went through with it.
I needed to forgive him because he loved me so much, and we could get over it. Doesn’t love conquer all? Wouldn’t I be a louse for leaving him because he didn’t have a college degree or his job was so different than what he said. When we got to the city office to apply for our marriage license, I found out he was ten years older than what he told me.
I didn’t know about his other affairs until after we got married. He was “on the road” traveling for his job, so he said. We were shopping at the mall when just by chance, one of his affairs was with her grandmother. She lived in Connecticut. We are in Long Island. I’m sure he thought we would never run into her.
She saw my husband and came over and began hitting him over the head with her pocketbook. It was a terrible scene. She was obviously pregnant. And yes, it was his baby!
I thought she was crazy until she started describing something unique about his privates that she could not have known unless she’d had sex with him. She called him “The one ball wonder,” the name he calls himself because he was born with one testicle.
I found out that there was another woman besides this one. She’s the person who he comes and goes with. She takes him back when his affairs blow up on him. I feel so sorry for her.
Thank God we never got pregnant!
Once I am divorced from him, I won’t have to raise a child with him. I feel so badly for people who have to go through life with a connection to these creeps!
I don’t think society understands the betrayal bond syndrome that you described. They think its a bunch of huey. Just an excuse for making the wrong decisions. I remember feeling the pull to be loved by him when I learned the truth. It was so intense and blinded me to his lies. If I were not being compelled by hormones, or whatever they are called, I’m sure I would have just tossed him aside and been on my way. Instead, I stayed and went through two years of torture with a lying son of a bitch who constantly tried to make me think I had “jealousy issues,” and I was a “head case.”
Even though we are divorcing, he still texts and pretends he still cares. I don’t get it. Why doesn’t he just leave me alone? Every time I get one of his messages, it brings back all the pain. I just want it to go away.
Dear DeBall-
What you experienced is so typical of people’s reactions in betrayal. Our common sense seems to fly out the window as we desperately try to restore the supply of neurotransmitters that gave us that “loved” feeling.
The shock effect to our brain seems to work similarly to how it would respond if we were hit by a truck and broke a leg. We may not experience any pain until the shock wears away. But we continue to cling to our loved one in the way Mother Nature intended us to. In fact, our chemical cleaving becomes more intense because of the recognition that what bonded and fulfilled us could disappear. If we were alcoholics and tried to abstain, we’d have intense cravings.
I have a friend who battles alcoholism. He recently fell in a drunk stupor and caused traumatic brain injury. He was operated on and kept in a comma for several days in ICU. Whether he’d recover was touch and go. He was on a breathing tube and couldn’t speak when he came out of the comma. The first thing he motioned for was a drink.
We don’t recognize that we’re addicted to our lover because we don’t ingest a chemical that causes our brain to behave in an addicted fashion. The chemicals are internal and stirred by sexual intimacy and the relationship.
Sociopaths have no boundaries. He gets something out of the constant contact. He will not recognize “no” until he is faced with a blank wall that does not respond. Since you are going through a divorce, and are likely to have an attorney, it would be best to make it clear that the attorney, not you, will handle any further interaction and that he is no longer to contact you in any way. Speak to your phone carrier about blocking his calls and texts. Drop him as a Facebook friend if you haven’t already, and block his emails. Having no contact with him will help you heal a lot faster than having him give you constant reminders that dredge up your memories.