How a Betrayal Bond Works- And boy, do I wish it didn’t!
Emotionally intact people don’t just walk-out on love partners when they’re hurt by them. To onlookers, that behavior can seem very odd. A victim’s choice to remain in a toxic, harmful relationship can result from the chemistry of human bonding.
People often ask, “Yes but…… where’s the victim’s “agency?” Aren’t they responsible for themselves and the choices they make?”
Hmmm…. The puppy featured above would be a bit slower at running for safety than one who wasn’t weighted down. He might get there eventually, but it would take him a lot longer. If his attacker was going for his jugular, he’d be dead before he reached higher ground. And that’s what happens with many victims who are abused, and are ultimately killed while they’re in denial.
The chemistry of attachment
Unfortunately, until very recently, the therapeutic community didn’t understand the impacts of love’s hormones on attachments. In fact, it’s still a field that’s being highly researched.
An October 4th, 2015, article from Mint, On Sunday, The Sex Instinct, hit the nail on the head concerning this topic:
Sex can set in motion a cascade of neurochemical processes in the brain that lead to love. Neurotransmitters released during sex include oxytocin, vasopressin and dopamine. They make you bond with your partner even if you don’t want that to happen. And the more you have sex with that person, the stronger that bond grows.
The difference between these chemicals, and ones that affect our brain when we swallow or inject alcohol or drugs is that we’re not conscious of their presence. People addicted to alcohol know they reached for a drink. But people struggling through an abusive relationship rarely grasp that they’re addicted to the person who’s harming them.
We don’t analyze our thoughts, responses, and feelings while they’re happening. We simply feel them. And a person who’s capable of feeling love, and feels love, does not feel it as addiction.
Without the brain chemistry of attachment, homo sapiens would not remain mated to raise our dependent children for very long. It’s the chemicals in our brain that make us feel compelled to forgive, love and trust. Some people have too little. They’re called psychopaths. Some people have too much, and are easily embroiled in harmful relationships.
Betrayal Bonds- How they keep us attached
The exploitation of trust can cause a Betrayal Bond. When a person is faced with cruel behavior, their brain chemistry can kick into high gear, causing them to fight forcefully to retain the relationship. It’s that person’s totally unconscious auto-response to betrayal. In fact, the more harmful the trauma they experience from their romantic partner, the more intensely their brain’s chemistry will work to keep them attached.
When betrayal creates bad choices
When we experience a deep emotional wound, particularly one that undermines our value system and sense of self-worth, we unknowingly enter a state of denial in order to maintain the relationship…. a betrayal bond. It can be triggered by either physical or emotional cruelty.
People who fail to understand the workings of a betrayal bond blame the victim for remaining in harm’s way. “You knew (s)he lied, but you stayed. You deserved what you got!” or “You should have walked out the first time (s)he hit you.” Betrayal bonds can affect both men and women.
The hormonal and chemical activity of the brain will fight, unbeknownst to the conscious mind, to prevent shattering the victim’s beliefs. Just like shock prevents a victim from experiencing physical pain, a betrayal bond will prevent a person from experiencing emotional pain. And a betrayal bond can last for years, until something radical changes it.
I married a man, who lied to me about everything under the sun, long after I learned the truth about him
I can recall the many times I wanted to walk away. But I can also recall a compelling force that I recognized as “love,” preventing me from doing so. It wasn’t until I became concerned for my unborn baby’s safety, a child whose importance was every bit as critical to me as my then-husband was, if not more so, that I could break the bond tying me to this dreadfully, harmful relationship.
Once extricated, I could look back and see the damage he’d caused. But while we were together, my betrayal bonded brain justified all of his behaviors.
Had I recognized love as a form of addiction, and understood the mechanics of a betrayal bond, I would have been better able to extract myself long before I did. I would have talked myself into reality in the same mind-over-matter mindset that ended my addiction to cigarettes, cold turkey, while losing 15 pounds in the process. I’m not a person who lacks strong will power. But my will power, when it came to love, cemented me in, rather than propelling me out, of a painfully toxic relationship.
As an advocate, I’ve worked with countless people who’ve struggled through relationship withdrawal from a sociopath.
If you have a conscience, it’s very difficult to grasp that others simply don’t. So we’re constantly listening to their excuses, accusations, and justifying their actions. We even heap blame on ourselves for their bad acts. We chalk it up to misunderstanding and try to move on from there. I didn’t know my ex had no conscience until his psychiatrist actually told me so.
Some victims have an easier time breaking free from loving bonds than others. And, as their advocate, I’m thankful when that happens. But when it doesn’t, I know that they have a very core addiction problem that keeps drawing them back to a place of denial.
At some point, there was an acute incident that initially enabled them to recognize there was an issue, and caused them to seek help. Refocusing them on that point, returning them consistently to that awareness, can help release them from the quicksand of the betrayal bond that tries to suck them back in.
The Betrayal Bond, Breaking free from exploitive relationships, by Patrick Carnes, PhD., is an informative source of enlightenment about this condition. It truly helped me find the path to recovery. I highly recommend it!
This post has been repeated from an October 10, 2015 posting on this site.
How many relationships do you think end because either party realized the other just wasn’t for him or her? I’d say just about every single one. Well, why did they all of a sudden realize they didn’t want to be with the other person? What happened? In most cases its because either side started showing signs that did not correlate with who they thought the other person was. And because things started come up, things that if either party would they have known prior to, probably wouldn’t have consented to be in a relationship, nor would they have consented to having sex. So, by your logic does this mean that everyone is being deceived into having sex? Men and woman alike, all the time in every single relationship that doesn’t work out because someone’s “true self” started showing. Oh, if I new she had a third nipple, I wouldn’t have wanted to have sex with her…kind of mentality. I thought he was a sweet guy, well, he was sweet to me up until I had sex with him then he turned into an asshole. If I wiulda known he was an asshole from the start, I wouldn’t have had sex with him. These are the kinds of things we are talking about -DECEIPT BECAUZE IF YOURE DECEIVING SOMEONE THEN THEY CANT GIVE CONSENT AND ITS RAPE. Most people would say that irresponsibility plays a role if you’re willing to hop in bed with someone without confirming whatever you claim to be of such a high level of importance. How about confirming the critical information first and then jumping in bed with them if it’s so important. It’s never important until someone is unhappy or dissatisfied then the gloves come off and all hell breaks loose ww3 etc…I don’t condone lying to get laid but by your way of looking at things, men and woman are both being raped every minute of everyday
Chris- Rape by deception is not about whether a person is nice to you or not. So let’s get clear about what cases could actually be tried for rape by deception….
There are people who specifically lie and deceive…. and go to great lengths to do so, such as; they forge divorce decrees and/or their driver’s license. They give false names so their target will not be able to obtain credible information. They fabricate their profiles. They deliberately thwart the victims “reasonable” efforts to know the truth in order to trick the person into sex. Some even get others to lie to the target in order to convince them.
The reason I am using the term “reasonable” is because “reasonable” is the standard needed in litigating ALL crimes involving fraud.
Prosecutors do not pursue de minimis fraud cases. Just as judges and juries are entrusted to determine if someone had a “reasonable” basis for believing the deception that defrauded them of their property, judges and juries can determine if someone had a reasonable basis for believing the deception that defrauded them of bodily autonomy.
I would also differ with you on why relationships end. They end because the people are not compatible. They end because they grow apart. They end because their circumstances change. They end for many reasons. When a person deliberately gives false data to engge in sex, they are undermining the victim’s rights and defiling that person.
Being sexually assaulted is the second most horrific crime that can take place in a person’s life. The first is murder. Yet we readily determine whether a “reasonable basis for believing deception” exists when a predator targets someone for theft, but not for defilement????? Balderdash!
Sex is not an entitlement to be gained through nefarious means. It’s a privilege to be earned.
Our society has to recognize what consent is and stop behaving in ways that undermine the other person’s rights. It’s really quite simple.
For me, the bon reproduced my own family. The same thing of having to chase after people for scraps of attention. Generally, if someone treats me badly, I just shut them out. But with my ex, the whole family thing was reproduced. I was going back and trying to win love, re-enacting the past – having of course been drawn to someone who mirrored my family’s behaviour. Impossible, toxic, addictive.
Often, we’ll walk away from ill-treating people, because we’re not chemically bonded with them. With people we’re having sex with, our chemistry becomes a factor.
It enables us to stay bonded because it tells us things that are convincing like,,,, it’s not a bad thing, it’s like how you grew up, remember? It’s as if Mother Nature is whispering in our ear all the reasons we should disregard our protections. She wants us to remain attached.
She tells us to look the other way and disregard the obvious. “There’s a problem, just close your eyes, it’s normal.”
Great post today Joyce. Just what I needed to read. I know this bond all to well.
very educational , i am learning so much. thank you for writing!