It’s Mother’s Day- Mothers of abusive kids have little to celebrate



Rarely do we hear discussions where people who have character disordered kids can vent about their anguish. We look around on Mother’s Day and see all the joyous, wonderful expressions of appreciation we never received despite how hard we knocked ourselves out for our children. And we wonder what we have to celebrate.

I gave it some thought and decided to share….

If they’re grown and have moved away…. you can thank your lucky stars you’re no longer having to deal with their day-to-day abuse. They can stand on their feet despite what they say was the terrible job you did raising them.

They fought every effort you made to guide their development down a moral path. It was hard. But it’s done. You’re no longer responsible to build their character. And, no matter how much you love them, you don’t have to like them. You’re free of that burden.

You can be glad you know what being a mother was really like. If you didn’t know you’d be knocking yourself out over what you thought you’d missed. Instead, you know that lament would have just been wasted torment and totally unjustified.

Hoping all mothers of grown up abusive children get a sense of peace today knowing you did the best you could and being glad that now, they’re somebody else’s problem.

And I hope those who are still in the throws of raising them can find solace in knowing that time will pass and they’ll be out of the house one day.

Don’t tolerate their abuse

There is nothing to gain by doing so. They will not appreciate your caring and your tolerance won’t change them. In a character disordered mind, tolerance will make them feel entitled to abuse you more. Only proper therapy can make a difference and there have been great strides in understanding how character disorder develops in children. Get help, Find a specialist who, like Dr. Essi Vettig, Professor of Developmental Psychopathology at University College of London  knows; “Character disorder does not pop into their psyche as a birthday present when they turn 18.” Get strong. Make it your Mother’s Day gift to yourself.

Here are some signs you need to find a therapist for them: 
Tantrums and rage
Self harm
Breaking property
Playing with fire
Oppositional Defiance
Animal mutilation
Drug Abuse
Alcohol Abuse
Gross and constant disrespect
When a child rages with no empathy or remorse and only thinks about their own needs and wants, beyond the age of six, it’s a sign that they are not developing a conscience. Get professional help before it becomes too late. Borderline Personality Disorder is a treatable condition  and the earlier it is caught, the more successfully it can be dealt with.  But at any age, treatment can help. While you may not be able to prevent character disorder in your child because genetic factors can influence their development, you can help their behavior become less anti-social than if left untreated.
© Copyright, Joyce M. Short- All rights reserved

10 thoughts on “It’s Mother’s Day- Mothers of abusive kids have little to celebrate”

  1. I believe in mother’s day as much as in valentine’s day. Another way to make shallow neurotypicals to show shallow love by giving sweets, flowers and cards. I know the grass is greener on the other side because my mother is a malignant narcissist and it used to bother me a lot. Now i see it like this: our eyes are opened after seeing her for the narcissist she is. You lost a person who never loved you, while she chose to alienate a person who trully loved her. Whose is the loss really?

    1. A Narcisists does what they do because their brain compels them to do so. Children of disordered parents frequently become disordered themselves. Up ’til now, society had little awareness that this phenomenon existed. Now that we know, perhaps we can change it. For you and your family, that change can begin with you.

      I’m hoping, and always will hope, that my son finds the strength and love to seek the truth. But I don’t expect it will happen. There are too many enablers in the world who feed off his disorder and keep him stuck in a distorted mindset.

        1. Revengestar,
          If you know that nobody in your family is capable of trying to fix the problem, maybe you could be the one to get the ball rolling! Being able to see and acknowledge it in the first place is a big accomplishment.

  2. i just wanted to say despite your situation Happy Mother’s Day Joyce.
    Hope all is well, Thank You for ceaselessly on educating us!

  3. Very good article! Because I have read your book I know the manipulations that your husband did and how confusing it must be from the child’s point of view. I have always wondered if it was inherited genetically or if it was a “learned” behavior. Either way knowing you spent your life sacrificing and busting your tail to a state of exhaustion and not feeling appreciated on Mother’s Day is very hard. Wishing you the best today Joyce!

    1. I have a son like this.
      Stage II Recovery by the late
      Earnie Larsen AND Co-da
      (codependency) meetings keep me sane.
      Jesus is my ⚓. Through Him I can have Joy amidst the sorrows of this temp. life!

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