Women can be just as CADdish as Men!
Today, I received a CAD Identity post from Canada, from a man who had been defrauded there. It brought home to me, that although we generally see the larger share of romantic frauds, for sex and financial gain, by men against women, there is an extraordinary amount of unscrupulous women who defraud men.
The term we generally ascribe to this phenomenon is Gold-Digger! Their stories abound! If you have one, please post it here! As always, you can, and should change the names of all the participants, including yourself.
The problem of rape by fraud and emotional rape is global. Don’t hesitate to alert us to the country or jurisdiction where this happened to you!
I’m starting with the story of how a Gold-Digger impacted my life...
Young and pretty, she came from the Bronx and was fortunate to find a great job with one of the most prolific music publishers in the world. She was awed by his wealth and connections to the abundant talent in the music business. He was 30 years her senior, a father figure to her.
Narcissists don’t need significant emotional connections. The closeness of loving bonds are not what draws them. Instead, they’re driven by financial gain, fame, stature. He had it all.
When he died, she inherited the businesses he’d built. She needed a boy-toy to accompany her to balls, banquets, fund raisers and events; eye-candy who looked good in a suit, knew what wines to pick, spoke several languages…. someone who could dance and charm her friends. She chose my husband.
We were still married at the time although he had disappeared. There was no internet that helped you locate people back then. He’d left my son and me behind, unsupported. Finding him would have eaten into the money I earned to feed, clothe and raise my child.
We lived in subsidized housing, and I juggled multiple jobs at the same time, in order to provide. There are only 24 hours in a day, and the amount of time I needed to devote to making a living diminished the time I could spend nurturing him. Our relationship still suffers the impacts of that loss today. Meanwhile, my estranged husband enjoyed the largess of one of the wealthiest women on the planet. He worked in her office and lived in her duplex apartment on Fifth Avenue, just a few short blocks from our home. We traveled in far different social circles. Our paths never crossed.
She enabled him to deprive his child and eroded my finances. When I was finally able to drag his CADdish rear end into court, my son was 17 and about to go to college. I needed to recoup whatever I could in order to send him. My attorney tried to secure tax returns and income statements. He stonewalled. His income was untraceable. He had lived off the grid in her generosity. He claimed he had no job and was homeless, sleeping on his parent’s couch in Florida. I couldn’t afford a forensic accountant or private detective without putting my child’s education at risk. I had no idea what I would find, and no amount of wild imagining could have conjured up the truth!
The amount of money it would have taken to provide adequately for his family was a pittance to them. She simply didn’t give a damn. Gold-Diggers have no heart. When I learned what had actually transpired, I wrote to her. She never responded and they neither attempted to make amends nor repair the cavernous hole that his duplicity created in my finances.
There is so much more to this story, that lead me to create this blog and my efforts to enlighten society about the crime of rape by fraud. It’s said that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. I was blessed with the spirit and strength to live through the pain, and the will to help enlighten and change society. I thank God for the friends who helped me through!
I’ve learned that there are different kinds of wealth in life. While they have money, I have a richness of fulfillment that they will never experience. Character disordered people are incapable of love. I am truly blessed!
Life seems to teach best by trial by fire. Once burned, we respect the fire! I marvel I came from a family where mom and dad were happily married 60 years, that I have been married 38 years to the second girl I ever dated. After 28 years of ordained ministry and 12 years as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. I have come to see how rare indeed my life has been. To treasure it the more!
How special!
It’s so nice to see that this type of loyalty and dedication still exists in society! You should write a book on what it really takes to keep a marriage together…. and it would not surprise me to know that the first characteristic would be “honesty!”
Thank you, I am saddened to see it has become so exceptional in our day;to have my children go to school and have the only parents not divorced and grandparents not divorced, to come from a whole family. Honesty, yes, and commitment. I went to college to get an education and find a wife – those were my goals, not a girlfriend, a wife, it changes what you are looking for!
If only we could find the key to strengthen society’s values. Younger people seem to strike up relationships based on what they can get out of it, with little thought toward building a future together for themselves and their children. Any thoughts on how to turn that around?
I told my girls look for a husband, not a boyfriend, I gave them the expectation this is not meant to be transient! Not always successful, my son went through one broken relationship, drugs, rehab, and is finally married and stable, but his wife Cassie chose to move close to us for family.
We have to de-sexualize everything for starters. social media has near destroyed face to face communication. courtship, needs to be restored, my wife and I dated 4 years before marriage, in which time I got to know her whole family.
I agree entirely!
The amount of free-flowing sexuality in the media tragically undermines core values. Today’s young people think of sex as entertainment rather than a bonding experience. It sorely contradicts the physical, and microbiological functioning mother nature gave us to couple.
And internet dating has opened up a whole new can of worms in which people can reach across the planet to hook up with anyone they can fool. The amount of complaints I see is largely the result of elaborate internet misrepresentations.
I find it uncanny that there is such resistance to recognizing that when you lie to someone to get them in bed with you, you’re sexually exploiting them. A great many people will defiantly tell you that it’s perfectly ok to do so. Our morality has deteriorated that far! Included in the mix are not only men, but also, women.
Society has lost sight of the fact that each human being is autonomous and deserving of respect. And that no one has the right to undermine their self determination over who they engage in sex with.
If we can get that message acknowledged by society, I think we’ll begin to restore respect, trust, caring, and other moral values in interpersonal relations. Without it, I’m afraid our society’s morality is headed down hill in a hand basket!
Joyce
Joyce, I have to step back to my role as pastor and chaplain and say without religious underpinnings and a more God centered approach I find it impossible. Luther said, “We are to so fear and love God…” by fear he meant awe and respect, people who do not respect God will not respect human beings!
Al
Al-
I agree that religion is a significant tool in providing morality. For many of us, it’s the foundation system for our values, whether we practice the traditions or not.
Whether we get people back to church, temple, mosques, or where ever they worship, or not, we can still raise awareness on what constitutes criminal behavior. And that’s why I’m focused on this attempt.
But I support your view entirely that practicing one’s faith can enable a person to be steadfast in their demands for self respect and provide a framework for decency. Lets hope that by tackling the problem from two separate angles, the law and religion, we can combine to make some headway!
Joyce,
What is criminal is left to majority vote and subject to change, hopefully by your efforts to the positive! Until hearts and minds change we must resort to legal recourse. I agree.
Al
And I’ll say a hearty Amen to that!
(I received this comment to the original post on 12/21 and have transferred it here.)
Author:
care4victims
DECEMBER 21, 2014 AT 7:39 PM EDIT
This type of seduction devastating. Having been through immigration fraud through marriage I deeply understand the defilement, caring for, wanting a better life for a woman I deeply loved and cared for, only to discover it was never really a marriage. Her objective? Get out of Cuba by whatever means possible. Then? Divorce and go back to marry her “other husband” in Cuba to bring him to Canada. Devastating emotionally, physically. Years of trying to understand how someone could this to another human being who deeply cared about them? Deceit, Fraud, unknowing consent, wasn’t the person I was led to believe I married. This is a horrific act of Carnal Abuse. Deception at the very core of person’s humanity. Recovery takes a long time. Realizing I did nothing wrong, my only mistake? Trusting someone who did not deserve the trust I gave openly to her.