Many of us who suffered through emotional abuse feel our sorrow more intensely during the holiday season. As we see families come together in love and support, we’re reminded of the happiness we lost.
But did we really lose it? Or did we simply lose the image of what we’d hoped for, that was never to be? Often, holidays with emotional predators were as painful, and perhaps more so, than any other day. But we experience grief, none-the-less. Our anguish can be more about the fantasy we’d envisioned, that will never be fulfilled, and we need to let it go.
By focusing on the reality that we were simply being played in a game of smoke and mirrors, we can free ourselves to experience new found pleasure in the friendships that endured, and create new traditions of joy that we can weave into the fabric of our lives.
For many of you who read my memoir, Carnal Abuse by Deceit, you can understand why hearing Christmas music, particularly songs that were popularized by Elvis or any other country singer, used to trigger very painful thoughts for me. It took me several years, and writing my book, to disassociate with that connection. Today, I welcome the sounds that once spiraled me into depression, as a reminder of my reclaiming my life.
It’s truly wonderful to have family and friends around us that are supportive, but some of us are simply not so lucky, and experience a pervasive loneliness this time of year. If you find yourself focusing on loss, reach out… find a woman’s shelter, a senior center, a soup kitchen or other supportive volunteer effort and roll up your sleeves. The magic of giving to others is often the best tonic to transform our own spirit.
Sir Winston Churchill coined a phrase spread even further by tennis great, Arthur Ashe. I’m paraphrasing, but it goes something like this….
“What you get provides you with a living, what you give provides you with a life.”
To reclaim your life, don’t sit alone, isolated by your losses. There’s a world out there that needs you.
Whether you celebrate Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, or any other spiritual or non-spiritual holiday, I wish you a new tradition of joy, for now and every other day of the coming year! Hoping you have the best holiday season, ever!
Joyce
Originally posted 12/23/2014
Joyce, this is so very true. I wanted wonderful, romantic Christmases every year my “wife” was here. Only to find out she never was my “wife”, leading a double life in a common law relationship in Cuba. 3 Christmases ago was the worst I can ever remember, after I was told we had to divorce due to her “religious” belief of Santeria. I spent the entire day in bed crying, not wanting to believe. A few months later I found out the truth of her double life, compounding the emotional devastation. Last Christmas was okay, still not great. This year I actually went to a Christmas party and enjoyed myself. I can never get the time I lost to her deceit back, but I can get me back. I am smarter and better educated about “their” (socio/psychopath & narcissistic) behaviors. I do not consider them of the human race. Anyone who takes the heart for granted & uses it their own end is not a human, in my book. Next year WILL be better, I will get “me” back. The fun loving person I used to be, but will be aware that they “walk among us”. 1 in 25 people has this disorder, choose your friends and companions carefully. One lie is too many in my book now.